Like most of my fellow Americans, I have a sad 9 to 5 job which sometimes can leave me with lots of stress and tension, even after I leave work. Sometimes I just need to get away from it all! So this weekend I said “Fuck it, you DESERVE to be pampered”. And why not? I work hard, I blog hard, and I play hard! So off I went to Paradise, CA for a weekend of total relaxation.
I went in like this:
so tense, so wound up! Ugh!
And once I let myself have the relaxation I deserved:
Paradise: Painfully Chill (and pretty obese)
But you readers say “Oh my I could never afford premium resort treatment like that!” Well, readers, I’m here to tell you that in Paradise, CA fuck yes you can. Just go to Izzy’s Burger Spa:
That little black box in front that looks like a trash can is actually the smoker for the ‘authentic bbq’!
You don’t need a premium credit card. You don’t need an exclusive membership that could cost you thousands of dollars and lead to debt. You and your shitty family can just walk right in:
But surely the burgers are too expensive for me you say. NOPE! The prices are pretty chill actually, except for the $7 root beer float of course:
The only option is the Jumbo size too, kinda weird. Unrelated, but Feather River Brewing Company has the worst beer I’ve literally ever tasted
It was hard to decide what I wanted to order. The cryptic wording of the ‘Chili Size’ had me intrigued. Just how big is ‘Chili Size’? And then there is the ‘Onion Orgy’:
You can also get your food ‘set up’ for $0.00. Pretty sure that’s Izzy’s code for some dude busting a fat nut out of the dirtiest scrotum in Butte County right on to your meal:
I ended up ordering the ‘Onion Orgy’. Definitely one of those kinds of menu items that sound weird when some nice old lady takes your order. I looked around at the restaurant while I waited for my food. What a surprise, it’s just a big pile of old shit:
Charles Bronson is cool though:
Finally my food came:
Well my burger looked pretty sad right outta the gate. I took a bite. God damn it was so beefy:
The beef actually tasted too beefy. Like it was cooked in some kind of beef concentrate. That, plus the fact that the onions were still pretty raw (which I don’t really mind, but it’s better when they are grilled/sauteed to brown) kinda made me a little bummed:
SOMEONE HOLD MY SOFT ASS HEAD UP DA BEEF 2 STRONG
For six bucks though I couldn’t really complain. But my burger did suck. I mean if that’s an ‘orgy’ then every time I jack off in a dark room to Porn Hub on my phone I’m having ‘steaming hot intercourse’. You have to order the fries separate, which still ends up being pretty cheap. One of my assistants ordered the Western Burger:
It looked a lot better than my shitty orgy. The other assistant got the ‘Gobbler’:
Also better than mine. I probably should have gotten the ‘Chili Size’. Oh well. Let’s take a look at a review:
Not sure if this person thinks a one star review means like a 1st place or something? Also why are you calling them everyday?
Summoning The Feast 