Iguanas Burritozilla

Every since I started this blog, there has been the inevitable comments from what I can only refer to as ‘haterz’. This group of people commonly recite phrases such as, “Dude, that plate of food wasn’t even that big”, or “that’s not even that much food, how are you calling that a feast?” Well, I’m a man of modesty, and although I can summon forth feasts like an obese wizard, I choose only to use my dark forces when the aura of a true FUCKING FEAST has caressed my soul. However, in order to keep my loyal readers of loosing sight of the magic of the feast and my powers, I decided to conjure forth a mighty one, in the mystical valley of San Jose:

Pretty sure the lizard on their logo is, in addition to eating burritos, down to fuck:

This place had been on my radar for some time. They make big claims to serve large portions of food for true feasters, so I decided to see if they live up to their word. On the menu they have the ‘Burritozilla’. Actually, it’s kind of the only decoration they have on the walls:

 

They also have specials for small people:

This is the menu. It doesn’t really matter that you can’t read it. It’s a fucking Mexican restaurant. What do you think they are gonna have?

The ‘Burritozilla’ is about $30, but if you eat the whole thing while you are there (I think there is a time limit but I’m not sure what it is) you get a free shirt. They should probably hook you up with a free meal too, but fuck it, the shirt is pretty rad. It says ‘I conquered the Burritozilla’ on it. Definitely something I’m probably going to wear to work everyday so my coworkers know I’m the best and deserve a raise.

I ordered the ‘Burritozilla’ with carne asada and pinto beans, a relatively safe choice. Usually I’m either an al pastor or carnitas person, but the greazzze levels could get fucking gnarly with a 5 foot 18 inch burrito with those meats. Many assistants were there to witness my magic and provide refreshing beverages:

I will admit that I was a little nervous, it had been a while since I had eaten a shit load. I saw the burrito preparing the burrito and there was some anxiety on my behalf:

He wrapped the feast with true grit and determination, while my consternation grew. What was I getting myself into? Soon it came and the only option was to abandon all doubt and cast myself full force into my duties as a professional food blogger:

NO QUARTER WILL BE GIVEN 

I was pretty fucking hungry when I started, so I was pretty stoked. The only thing was that the burrito was not actually that good. The rice was too plentiful and bland, and the beans were kinda dry.  I definitely prefer a swampy guacamole and sour cream and meat greaze shit pile in a tortilla as opposed to this kind of burrito, but in the game of life sometimes you just have to deal with the cards you’ve been dealt. Soon enough shit gonna pretty nasty. My fingers felt like I gave a dad a prostate exam after his 50th birthday party/dinner at Olive Garden:

DAD ASS

The thought of a dad’s asshole kind of made me want to spew, but I kept ‘Burritozilla’ on fucking lockdown and lurched forward into battle. The last fews bites got really gross. The rice was just so sticky on the bottom that swallowing this pile of shit almost became impossible, but soon the prizes of battle were gifted to me:

But soon Jason, my feasting nemesis, showed up and decided to one up me by ordering an al pastor ‘Burritozilla’:

This is him, halfway down. 

His burrito was a sopping fucking mess. I’ve seriously never seen this much greaze leaking out of a burrito orifice in my life:

Fuck

He decided to not finish the burrito, which was a move I cannot really talk shit on, because that thing was NAZTY. It wasn’t even fair really. The poor man had to guzzle about a half gallon of pure pork fat to finish that thing, which is not something humans should do. And honestly, the burritos here aren’t really good enough to warrant 5lbs of them. Perhaps if it was a truly good burrito it wouldn’t be such a challenge.

Bottom line I guess is that this place is just alright. I wouldn’t come here if I didn’t have to demonstrate to my readers how food-buff I am. Let’s take a look at a Yelp Review for another opinion though:

This dude is a little too angry about burritos. 

 

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Redrum Burger-Halloween Feast

Sometimes I’m sure you readers, just like myself, get so hungry that when you see someone walking down the street eating a fat pile of food you just want to stick em like the pig they are and take their food. However, this is 2017 and such behavior is typically frowned upon, so I suppose the next best thing is going to Redrum Burger:

I WANT TO COMMIT MURDER BURGER

A name which is explained by this avid cinephile/Google reviewer/Tim Allen lookalike:

Wow! Thanks for pointing that out! Nobody knows that movie because we all live in caves!

In addition to being very hungry, it is the Halloween season, so I thought this place was pretty appropriate. When I walked in I thought it was gonna be like this but with a little table for the condiments:

But of course there is just a sad small room with some 50’s nostalgia on the walls. Pretty sure it’s a federal law that if you serve food you have to have a least one piece of 50’s nostalgia on the walls:

The lady looking at the menu almost stabbed her grandson for his peanut butter and celery this morning, but luckily she was able to suck down an Ensure before her cravings overwhelmed her. Also, is it just me or is the woman behind her wearing astronaut boots or something? 

The menu is a total clusterfuck. It was hard to tell what the biggest thing they served was. Apparently they also serve weird meats like elk and ostrich. I wanted to try those, but I was worried that by ordering the harder to source meats my portion size would likely be reduced, so I decided to stick with the beefs.

Finally I saw the ‘Aggie Annihilator’:

 

That cheese looks fucked

My assistant ordered the ‘Killer Dog’ and a blackberry shake. While we waited for our food I looked at the menu. It has the history of the restaurant on the back:

In short, some people didn’t like eating at a place called ‘Murder Burger’, even though that name is awesome, plus let’s face it, every time you eat a burger some big animal had to get its throat slit. All you gotta do is spend like 5 seconds googling beef to find some fucked up image of a cow getting slaughtered:

They have to wrestle the cows into submission, using Stone Cold Stunners, Peoples’ Elbows, sometimes even slamming folding chairs on their heads, forcing them to tap out for their meat. 

So they had a vote and most people voted for Redrum Burger, which kinda sucks. Personally I would have gone with Jaywalking Burger or Drunk Driving Burger. Shortly our food arrived. Sadly the food was not served on a murder weapon. Imagine how sick it would be if you got a big ass bloody prison shiv in your burger, or maybe your hot dog wiener came in a sawed off shotgun. Yeah, the food just came on a tray:

Boring….

Here is the assistant taking a fat dog to the dome:

Somehow the assistant was able to pick up that pile of shit without getting relish and tomatoes all over the place. She said it tasted pretty good.

Blackberry shake. Of course it was good.

Annihilator. Fuck yeah

Annihilate I did. Shit was streaming so much greaze and cheeze I thought I was gonna puke, but the thought of puking and being hungry again was enough to keep me eating. The bottom of the burger looked like Bruce Willis in 12 Monkeys:

 

Even though I really don’t like Bruce Willis I continued eating the burger. It just kept oozing more and more meat juice/squirts, I had to capture the magical moments in a good ol’ meat zoom:

PREPARE THE MEAT ZOOM YOU FUCKING NERDS:

‘Fuck yes, sir’

Yeah, the burger was like, really really good though. Definitely worth putting inside your body. The fries were also really good. You can tell they make them there too. Kinda like In N Out fries, but kinda soggy, which I like.

 

Would I eat here again? Hell yeah I would.

 

 

Buffet Fortuna

Sometimes our day to day life is not particularly eventful or stressful. We just go to work, come home, and then crawl into bed at some point after doing who knows what all day.  Then you wake up one day and wonder, “What the fuck am I doing with my life?” Well, I decided to make something of myself. Or more appropriately, make MORE of myself (as in put more fat on my body, hopefully on my brain and my dick). What better place than a Chinese buffet:

I have been wanting to go here for years now, but the $18 entrance fee always kept me at bay for some reason, even though I regularly spend like $15 just on chocolate bars and sushi for lunch at a Safeway. With this thought, I reasoned I’m actually probably saving money if I just eat a shit load here — and once again I’m with my guest assistant plattyjo:

PJ: I’ve never had same desire nor hope that any existential cravings would be satiated by Buffet Fortuna. But Asians do love buffets since they’re a bargain — especially if you’re capable of or are in the mood for eating a metric ton of greasy food. I always feel like I’m getting suckered since I usually wimp out after a plate or two, but I was determined to try and keep up with STF — especially since he kept daring me to fucking FEAST. 

While paying, I noticed some interesting stuff going on at the register, including an economical debate:

Sadly not one single dick was drawn 😦

PJ: But someone did write “Fuck Her Face”.

There was almost no one there fortunately, which is always a good sign:

Front room

We sat in the other dining area where there were a couple of other people who looked like they had been there for a really long time, milking the $18 for every penny. Of course with buffets, the first thing you wanna do is look at the unlimited bounty of items at your fingertips (use the fucking tongs though), so let’s take a look at some of the food here.

They have the salad bar, for people who suck at buffets. Who gets an orange wedge? Grapes?

PJ: I agree that eating fresh vegetables at a buffet just takes up valuable real estate in your stomach, so yeah — skip the salad bar. But I probably should have eaten a lettuce leaf or two to help expel the fried food mass I’d be ingesting shortly out of my system.

PUKE

The next aisle of food had sushi and piles of raw fish that looked like they had been there for a long time, aka have had proper time to become delicious:

PJ: I took one look at the sushi bar and realized why this place was called Buffet Fortuna: you should consider yourself goddamn lucky if you managed to walk out of there at the end of the night without contracting a wicked bout of food poisoning. The nigiri had the dull, waxy appearance of  week-old fish that was hosting a salmonella party, while the rolls could have been rejects salvaged from a supermarket dumpster.  

There was also a pile of some weird shit that looked like tripe, or maybe cat tongues? Or maybe a delicious stew of cat tripe and tongue? I couldn’t read the little signs next to some of the items so I’ll never know, but it tasted kind of like kimchi:

Soft drinks are also included in the entrance fee, so I definitely fucked with some Mango Icing:

PJ: Which gave STF a most righteous brain freeze. I wish I’d taken a photo of him clutching his head in agony.

Yams? Who gets that shit? It’s looks like a mummy’s dick

In true Chinese buffet style, of course they also have some weird stuff that is not Asian at all. When I was a kid my dad would take us to this shit hole that had Doritos and corn dogs under heat lamps. This place didn’t have Doritos but they did have French Fried:

Everyone knows French Fried is the perfect garnish for a fat ass plate of sushi:

Plate #1

Everything was really good. I got some fried chicken and some salt and pepper fried ribs too, and they were both great. The sushi had lots of white creamy shit on top, which I love, so I was pretty stoked.

PJ: STF definitely obtained Buffet Warrior status with his first course. I, on the other hand, really didn’t want to reckon with any of that sad sack sushi. But I threw caution to the wind and chose what looked like to be the safest California roll since it had mostly avocado on top. The rest of my plate was jammed with food that was fried to the max (which hopefully killed any bacteria that might fester underneath the heat lamps): sweet-and-sour pork, fried chicken, fried shrimp, fried rice, an egg roll and some dumplings. Tasted like that Panda Express takeout you ordered a month ago and forgot about in the back of your fridge, but after you nuke it in the microwave for 10 minutes — it regains some semblance of Chinese food. However, I will give myself props for also sampling the fried frog legs, which were actually pretty good. I even ate two of those Kermit appendages. 

IMG_0334

Pass me the Pepto, please

Soon I consumed my plate and it was time for round 2. For my second plate, I decided to move on from the sushi to the seafood stuff. They have a whole row dedicated to the seafood. I must admit, shit was daunting:

They had some kinda snails, mussels, oysters, crabs, crab legs, shrimp, fish carcass, whatever your dirty body desires. I put it all on my plate:

PJ: The seafood table looked like a horrifying oceanic autopsy in progress, with oozy guts and slimy bits spilling out everywhere. Oh, helllll no, I am not eating any of that — it’s definitely gonna haunt my bowels later. Since I couldn’t muster enough courage to eat anything from that aquatic nightmare, I opted for some fried noodles, fried pork, white rice and a lone slice of pineapple for some nutritional value (ok, yes, it was from the salad bar.) I did, however, decide to take my chances with some mackerel nigiri. It was so rubbery that I could have bounced it off of my plate and it would have smacked me right in the face. Notice my pathetic portion, too. I’ve been demoted to Buffet Coward status.

IMG_0336

The crab shells had some kinda noodles or something baked into the disgusting meat. I’m sure if I took the time to Google what the fuck was going on with this thing I could explain it better, but this is my blog, not Wikipedia. Here is a closer look:

MEAT FUCKIN ZOOM FROM HELL
“Not bad”

It actually reminded me quite a bit of this album cover:

Which contains the track The Second Sorrowful Mystery, which is all to apropos my second plate:

Seriously, is this not a sorrowful mystery?

I poked these flaps of skin/flesh on either side of the shell and they popped. I expected some kinda spider nest to erupt or some shit, but luckily it was just more green bile/meat. Needless to say I ate almost all of it so as not to infuriate the waitress, which as anyone who as ever eaten at a Chinese buffet knows, hates when any of the patrons waste food and will straight up call your ass out.

PJ: That crab was like the aftermath of the chest bursting scene from Alien. STF totally ate a fucking alien baby during his second round.

The mussels were pretty good, as were the oysters, even though the oysters had a similar noodle/meat cesspool going on. Next I tried to conquer the snails. Never having had one before, I was unsure as to how to get into their hidden meat. PJ documented the attempt:

No, it was not worth the effort. I’ll get down with some weird shit but this tasted like a pirate spitting in my mouth. As you can see on my plate I also had an eggroll and some pork stuff with savory sweet sauce. It is hard to make those two things taste gross, but they were especially good after eating the rest of my plate.

IMG_0338

PJ: I have to give props to the exceptional qualities of the iPhone 6’s video stabilization. I was laughing so hard while STF stabbed a hole into the snail shell, then slurped up its nasty innards — all the while cooing at it like a creepy pedophile — that I thought for sure the video would be a shaky mess. But it captured his triumph perfectly, especially when he happily smacked his lips at the end (which in my mind, was reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter.)

Off I went to gather up the third plate:

Pure porridge? That’s some Matrix shit:

I decided against the Pure Porridge and got a similarly milky tofu and seafood soup, in addition to some frog legs and some more sushi:

PJ: I can’t believe he went back for more helpings of e.coli, since I’d called it quits after round two. Time for some stale pastries from the dessert table; most of the sweets were forgettable, although the sesame ball was the best of the bunch. STF did me a solid and polished off my the rest of my plate since I was ready to hide the leftovers in some crumpled napkins. 

IMG_0341

So yeah after the third plate I had pretty much tried everything I wanted to, so I went to the Men’s room to take a squirt. I was washing my hands (to get the dirty dick dust off my fingers)  and there was a dude that worked there cleaning the sink next to mine. In between the two sinks was 3 loose cigarettes, just sitting there. He then picked them up and offered them to me. At first I declined, but he insisted. Perhaps it is Chinese custom to smoke a cigarette after eating at a shitty buffet? Not wanting to insult the man, I took one. I am not really a habitual smoker but I figured what the fuck:

So yeah, that’s it. You just go in and eat a bunch. It kinda rules, but is also kinda sad.

Got 2 Go Pizza

Many people like to debate the merits of burritos versus pizza. Unfortunately for pizza, burritos not only taste better, but also if you eat pizza every day you are going to die, whereas if you eat burritos every day you probably will just feel shitty (like I often do). However, I know that some of you fans out there really like your pizza, so in order for this blog to be somewhat relevant to your lifestyle choices I decided I had to Go 2 Get Some Pizza. What better place than Got 2 Go Pizza:

Got 2 Go Pizza has the best logo for a business in the Western world, and if you disagree you don’t have a firm grasp of what letters should look like in the Latin alphabet. It looks like a casino/skatepark where hot chicks in the later years of their life hang out:

As you can see in the first picture, apparently the check cashing store next to the pizza place was having a fundraiser for the earthquake that happened in Mexico recently. Sounds like a nice idea, except for the shitty dance music cranked up to 10 and in between that some drunk dudes yelling on a megaphone. On the other side of the pizza place we also have a big ass boot outside for some reason:

I decided that enduring the drunken check cashing mob was a little too much for me, so I went inside:

On the left is some dude who worked there. He was walking out, and then suddenly stopped to tell these teenage girls that he had to leave to go to a Stanford football game, as if they gave a shit. Then he came back in a little later and when leaving again told myself and my assistants about his stupid fucking football game he had to go to. So weird. Anyway, behind those hot teenagers you bear witness to the proclamation of BEST PIZZA VALUE IN AMERICA:

THE SIGN IS FUCKING BUSTED BECAUSE WE ARE TOO BUSY SAVING YOU MONEY ON PIZZA. YOU ARE WELCOME AMERICA

What to order? Before I stopped in to this place I checked out some reviews online, like a typical millennial. This one seemed helpful:

 

The meat has bleach in it, yet you continue to order it? 

So of course I had to order the Buffalo wings. Also got the ‘Mexican Style Combo’ pizza. It has Ham, Pepperoni, Jalapenos, Pineapple, Beef and Chorizo:

All of the wads of meat on top looked the same so I couldn’t tell what kinda greaze was squirting into my throat upon each bite, but it was pretty greazed out.

Ok the ham is pretty easy to tell apart

If you really look closely at the pizza it’s so greazed out it’s kinda hard to tell the difference between the pizza and a Carcass record:

Pizza

Carcass

Speaking of reeking of putrefaction, there was the inexplicable meat skid on the cheese:

What is that? 

“WHO WIPED THEIR FUCKING ASS WITH THE CHEESE AGAIN?!”-Manager, who was so angry he left for Stanford football game

Perhaps wiping your ass with the cheese is how you get this faaaattttt cheese rips:

Yes, my hands are normally this dirty when I eat. Fuck you

Actually the pizza was pretty good. Not that good though. I mean, it was slightly better than Little Ceasar’s, which is still pretty good. It’s cheese on fucking bread, how bad can it get? I’ve had some bad burritos, but I don’t think I’ve ever actually had pizza that I didn’t like. For some reason I could only eat about 4 slices of the Mexican Style Combo before I tapped out. I think the greaze level was too high.

The wings were actually really good. Didn’t even taste like bleach. I ate them and didn’t start bleeding internally so I was pretty stoked. At this point I think I should mention that there is a bikini model that comes to this shithole all the time:

It’s like dude, why are you coming here? Got 2 Go Pizza greaze will ruin your body. You go from this:

To this:

San Jose Greaze champ 2016

 

 

Daughter Thai: Spicy Food Challenge

Recently my arch feasting nemesis, who we shall simply refer to as ‘Jason The Weak’, went to a small restaurant in the Oakland hills to seek out a challenge of spicy foods:

Although going to the whitest part of Oakland to do a spicy food ‘challenge’ is low-hanging fruit, he went and did the challenge roughly ten minutes faster than anyone before him, in about 15 minutes. Here is a video of him gloating and the restaurant staff acting like he is some sort of big deal:

 

Of course shortly thereafter he attempted to cyber-bully me on Facebook about his accomplishments. Little did he know that I have already been in the dark recesses of what I can only refer to as ‘The Buff Zone’, training, eating habaneros out of the cold, dead, iron grips of my fucking enemies:

Actual portrayal of me, conquering, talking major shit

So off I strode into the hills of Oakland to vanquish my nemesis, to Daughter Thai:

This shit does not look foreboding 

Of course I came here on a Friday night, at peak white people rush hour. It really was the whitest restaurant I think I’ve ever been to. It was difficult to photograph because my phone had a difficult time focusing with all of the blinding white light:

Here is a picture I took from Yelp just to help you gain an understanding of just how fucking fancy this place is:

 

Although the rules of the challenge is ‘no reversal’ at any time (i.e. don’t puke), I almost puked just looking inside this place, so I decided to sit outside. Plus I didn’t want all of the upper crust of Oakland gawking at me while I performed my task, as if I was the court jester of the restaurant.

Before I took my seat outside I saw the ‘Wall of Flame’, where the Polaroid of my opponent and nemesis Jason cast its radiance of false accomplishment to all:

Before we get to the challenge let’s take a look at this insanely overpriced menu:

Here is the wine list. Very expensive of course. 

You can get one (1) ‘thai taco’ for $11.50!

Everything that sounds good costs like twenty bucks

Ya Dong Set: Medicinal herbs to make your dong hard while you eat

Although I was really hungry and I felt like ordering some food to eat after I complete the challenge, the price points of the items deterred me, so I just ordered a couple of beers to let my mind slide into merciless war frenzy state:

The beer was brought out by a nice young man who bore much resemblance to Shaq in ‘Kazaam’:

My assistant ordered the Tom Yum soup:

Extremely small bowl of food, of course

Smallest bowl of food ever also comes with an equally impressively diminutive serving of rice in a stupid basket cup thing to ensure maximum un-fullness:

The assistant said the soup was alright, but has had better at other restaurants for half the price. They brought out this stupid waiver thing for me to sign so I don’t sue them or something. I assured them such measures are not necessary because my dick is hard and long and unbending, much like my iron will, but I signed it anyways:

I signed the paperwork and they finally brought me the ‘challenge’:

It’s just a fat pile of ribs with spicy sauce, some noodles, and some sliced cucumbers with some spicy sauce on top. It actually looked really delicious. I took my first bite and the server started the timer. Then I summoned my Force of Desecration:

I let the meat slide down my throat, and waited for the burn to set in. It came, but it did not ever really get that hot, so I just went full force and ate everything as fast as I could. I ended up finishing the dish in under ten minutes:


GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE

The staff of the restaurant were in awe, and I was tempted to rip my shirt off and flex my muscles to reassure them that I was indeed buff as fuck and worthy of all praise, but I played the modesty card instead. Flexing my muscles seemed inappropriate, as this challenge was not actually as spicy as some other dishes I’ve had at other Thai restaurants. One time I ordered a dish from a Thai restaurant and I asked for it ‘very spicy’ and I swear to God I thought I was seriously going to choke myself to death from my throat swelling up from the heat. My eyes and nose were dripping uncontrollably. This challenge actually came no where near that level. Perhaps my training has enlightened my senses so that such pain does not enter my body now? Or perhaps this challenge is more a gimmick to get people to talk about this shithole? The world may never know….but it is safe to assume that this place blows. Yes, my food was really delicious. But if I didn’t finish the challenge the meal costs $30 FUCKING DOLLARS. No thanks…….

Crushing your enemies is pretty tight though

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Izzy’s Burger Fucking Spa

Like most of my fellow Americans, I have a sad 9 to 5 job which sometimes can leave me with lots of stress and tension, even after I leave work. Sometimes I just need to get away from it all! So this weekend I said “Fuck it, you DESERVE to be pampered”. And why not? I work hard, I blog hard, and I play hard! So off I went to Paradise, CA for a weekend of total relaxation.

I went in like this:

 so tense, so wound up! Ugh!

And once I let myself have the relaxation I deserved:

Paradise: Painfully Chill (and pretty obese)

But you readers say “Oh my I could never afford premium resort treatment like that!” Well, readers, I’m here to tell you that in Paradise, CA fuck yes you can. Just go to Izzy’s Burger Spa:

That little black box in front that looks like a trash can is actually the smoker for the ‘authentic bbq’!

You don’t need a premium credit card. You don’t need an exclusive membership that could cost you thousands of dollars and lead to debt. You and your shitty family can just walk right in:

But surely the burgers are too expensive for me you say. NOPE! The prices are pretty chill actually, except for the $7 root beer float of course:
The only option is the Jumbo size too, kinda weird. Unrelated, but Feather River Brewing Company has the worst beer I’ve literally ever tasted

It was hard to decide what I wanted to order. The cryptic wording of the ‘Chili Size’ had me intrigued. Just how big is ‘Chili Size’? And then there is the ‘Onion Orgy’:

 

You can also get your food ‘set up’ for $0.00. Pretty sure that’s Izzy’s code for some dude busting a fat nut out of the dirtiest scrotum in Butte County right on to your meal:

I ended up ordering the ‘Onion Orgy’. Definitely one of those kinds of menu items that sound weird when some nice old lady takes your order. I looked around at the restaurant while I waited for my food. What a surprise, it’s just a big pile of old shit:

Charles Bronson is cool though:

Finally my food came:

Well my burger looked pretty sad right outta the gate. I took a bite. God damn it was so beefy:

The beef actually tasted too beefy. Like it was cooked in some kind of beef concentrate. That, plus the fact that the onions were still pretty raw (which I don’t really mind, but it’s better when they are grilled/sauteed to brown) kinda made me a little bummed:

SOMEONE HOLD MY SOFT ASS HEAD UP DA BEEF 2 STRONG

For six bucks though I couldn’t really complain. But my burger did suck. I mean if that’s an ‘orgy’ then every time I jack off in a dark room to Porn Hub on my phone I’m having ‘steaming hot intercourse’. You have to order the fries separate, which still ends up being pretty cheap. One of my assistants ordered the Western Burger:

It looked a lot better than my shitty orgy. The other assistant got the ‘Gobbler’:

Also better than mine. I probably should have gotten the ‘Chili Size’. Oh well. Let’s take a look at a review:

Not sure if this person thinks a one star review means like a 1st place or something? Also why are you calling them everyday? 

San Leandro: Double Dipper/Bang Bang Edition

Yes, that’s right folks, you read the title correctly. Today we visit not ONE, but TWO eating establishments for your voracious blog reading needs. But why am I treating you readers so good, even though you don’t deserve shit? Well, on this lil’ outing I had a special professional blogging assistant: plattyjo.

PJ: Ever since I read your “Black Bear Fucking Diner” that chronicled volcanoes and squirting mouth juice, I became a diehard fan — your number one fan, in fact. So when I finally received a coveted invitation to accompany you on one of his sacred missions, I was definitely DTF.

Pro-level shit going down

So yeah, you said you were DTF. I was really hungry and not really in the mood, but you quickly clarified you were, “Down To Feast, you fucking idiot”.  So off we went to San Leandro for some Aqua Fresh Seafood:

Not to be confused with the mouth-tingling, patriotic toothpaste:

Related image

They pretty much serve everything you can fry here. They got fried fish, fried chicken, teriyaki, hamburgers, sushi, deviled eggs, etc. Basically just enough variety to make sure only one person is ordering any given item every two days, ensuring you will get fucking sick if you eat here at some point.

It’s the kind of place you walk into and immediately you’re like, “Fuck, this place looks pretty dumpy and sad. I should probably leave.”

PJ: The generic menu board definitely didn’t make me wet with anticipation. The cramped plastic booths and folding chairs in the linoleum dining area make you feel like you’re slumming in a rundown OTB. But here you’re betting on whether your stomach will survive the greasy onslaught congealing in Styrofoam containers or whether you’ll be racing to the shitter faster than you can say, “Maybe I’ll get the horse’s dick if I’m lucky.”* Plus I don’t normally trust a place that fries the shit out of everything and yet also lists raw sushi on the menu at a suspiciously low price.

*actual wish uttered by STF

But by the time we were up front staring at the menu, the person behind the counter has already made it clear that they are super nice and sweet and now you’re gonna feel like a dick if you leave.

PJ: The owners seemed to be an amiable Asian couple, so I played the race card and cut them some slack for the general vibe of their place: “Here’s your goddamn mountain of fried food, and when you’re done — please wait to have your heart attack until you’re outside .”

They also had pastries wrapped up behind the counter, but it was unclear if they were for customers or for hungry cashiers:

Stop being nice! And it’s also ok to open a restaurant and not serve teriyaki and be Asian

But now that you, Miss Pro Blogger, were here, I didn’t want to look like a pussy, so I tried to order the sketchiest stuff possible. I asked for the Oyster Sandwich and an Aqua Roll, but the cashier said she was out of rice. Then she asked me what kind of fish I wanted in the Oyster Sandwich. It’s like, uh, isn’t that shit obvious? I asked for snapper, thinking perhaps it was a double fish sandwich?

PJ: She totally Jedi-mind tricked you and made you order a fish sandwich instead of one filled with oysters. But maybe you dodged a briny bullet since they might not have been the Aqua Freshiest.

So you ordered the two-piece fried fish meal:

Swirly ketchup to compensate for sadness of meal

PJ: I just noticed that the bicycle wheels on my t-shirt make me look like I’m wearing spoked pasties. The photo should be focusing on the fried food porn, not drawing attention to my nipples. Gonna have to keep an eye on your wily camera ways in the future.

It kind of pisses me off that even though they asked me ‘For here or to go?’ they still put all of our shit in styrofoam containers. It’s like, oh, thanks for packaging my meal for that long 10-foot journey from you to my table.

I forgot to take a picture of my sandwich, but here is a close up of its wet moisture sopping through, ready and willing for you to slide your tongue down the middle of its bready ass:

FEED ME

Oh yeah — I got hush puppies too. This is what they look like inside:

Crispy on the outside, yet soft and forgiving inside, much like this seemingly ‘crispy lager’ that actually contains a Pocket Pussy inside:

PJ: Or depending on your personal preferences, a Pocket Asshole.

My meal was all right, but it was also a big pile of fried food that kind of made my mind and body sad, a feeling which was not being helped by the decor on the walls:

I could tell you were not impressed. You demanded a fucking feast, and this place was pretty lackluster.

PJ: Agreed — I, too, felt a deep sense of existential melancholy after eating my meallike that feeling you get when you try to justify a shitty one night stand by telling yourself it’s better than not getting laid at all. You temporarily filled that gaping void, but you still feel empty inside afterwards.

Well, luckily this place was just the appetizer. That’s right, off we go to Porky’s Fucking Pizza Palace:

 PJ: The twofer was my “good” idea, despite the fact we just ingested a bucketload of fishy grease. But I’m glad it was Banjo Night at the ol’ PPP; nothing like some downhome tunes to pep up your mood! 

Yes, unfortunately for me it was actually Banjo Night, which sounds funny but in reality there is nothing more grating that a bunch of elderly people beating on shitty stringed instruments to create their hillbilly cacophony.

PJ: I can think of a gajillion things that more grating than a bunch of happy-go-lucky seniors following their bliss with their music. And my adorable beagle puppy who happens to have the name BANJO says you should go fuck yourself. 

IMG_3755

Let’s go inside. There are about a 100 little teenagers who think this job is what having a real job is like:

There was a ton of old people here getting ready to see the one band in the Bay Area that caters to their demographic:

They got lots of cool decorations on the walls too, like the myriad of old awards from softball tournaments with creepy dads on them:

Pretty sure the guy in the blue sweater was still on probation so he technically wasn’t ‘on’ the team but he still chilled at the games.

PJ: Definitely not DILFs.

They have a game here called ‘Pizza Zone’ which looks like a fun game to play if you show up to a social family restaurant like Porky’s by yourself and you don’t want to sit by yourself be sad like a rapist:

There is another game where you can win stuffed animals, stuffed candy and other weird shit:

A stuffed Oscar Meyer wienermobile? What child wants that shit? 

PJ: Come on, I’d totally burn a whole roll of quarters trying to win that stuffed Sriracha plushie.

Let’s take a look at what they feed people here to make them more obese:

PJ: It drives me fucking nuts when people use alternate spellings in an attempt to be kool or kutesy. 

I have been known to fuck with some weird food, but ‘special cheeseburger sauce’ on the Bacon Cheddar Cheeseburger pizza? Oh hell no.

PJ: Nothing like a “special sauce” — probably just expired shit mixed together and dyed yellow — to give a pizza some pizazz.

They also have the ‘Three Sauce Boss’, which not only gets a cheeseburger sauce drizzle, but also has Creamy Garlic Sauce and BBQ Sauce:

I don’t think I’m eloquent enough to describe how much of a heaping pile of greazzzy shit that pizza probably is, but I think if that pizza was a person it would be this guy:

The ‘Three Sauce Boss’ is a monthly special because if it was available all of the time it would eventually find a way to kill itself. 

I ordered the ‘Porky’s Combo’ and a ‘Chicken Snack’:

The photography on their website looks a lot better than the dark shadow of a meal I got:

I’m not even sure why I ordered this. Potato wedges, fried chicken, and garlic bread? I just got done eating a pile of fried shit and then for some reason I ordered another pile of fried shit.

PJ: Well, all of that Aqua Fresh grease did get us nice and lubed up for round two of craptastic eating. 

I did specify dark meat for the chicken and it was pretty good though.

They come correct with the toppings here. You can barely see the cheese because it’s so stacked with toppings. Hell yeah. The pizza itself was pretty good too. I fucking hate how every place that opens up in the Bay serves thin slices. People like to fold the pizza when they eat it and pretend they are cultured or something. How about you get a good portioned slice like the gods intended?

PJ: Sorry, dude — the gods actually intended good pizza to be thin, folded and eaten with one hand. So you stand corrected. (And don’t be a fuckhead like Trump and eat it with a fork.)

 

Anyways, since you weren’t eating much, I ate as much pizza as I wanted while I watched the banjos do their thing.

PJ: To be fair, I was distracted by my delicious beer. They did have some great stuff on tap.

Unfortunately, I am pretty sure I was sitting behind the Grand Wizard of San Leandro Ku Klux Klan:

Dude definitely looked back and gave us the hate stare

PJ: I’m pretty sure he was just sending me the ‘get back on the boat’  vibes since you look like the poster boy for the Aryan Nation.

Watching the banjo players do their shit actually started to make me feel old too, and eventually I even lost my appetite for more pizza.

Pro blogger and I at Porky’s, feeling the sands of time washing over us as the banjos play on. 

Anyways, yeah — that’s pretty much it. Porky’s food is kinda whatever, but it is pretty rad that there is a place where all kinds of different people go chill that isn’t a fucking Applebee’s or something.

PJ: And don’t forget that they have 10 flatscreen TVs and an indoor basketball hoop. There’s something delightful for everyone.

Here is a review from Google Maps:

This person pretty much hates this place. 4 stars 

PJ: Stay tuned for our next San Leandro outing that includes hot dog assholes and cum milkshakes made from banana cocks.