Recently I finally gave my old shitty boss my big fat middle finger in his face and moved on to a new job.
IF YOU FIRE YOUR BOSS YOU ARE THE BOSS
Instead of working in Berkeley, the land of small plate gourmet meals for losers, I work now in Richmond, where the indigenous culture of getting fucking full until you shit your pants has not succumbed to outside pressures. It feels good to be able to roam around only a few minutes from work and find a fat burrito to fill my body. Like a mother needs a fat ass baby in its womb, I similarly yearn for a round figure. A quick Google search yielded exciting results:
Massive portions of Mexican basics
The inclusion of the term ‘Mexican basics’ seems rather odd because I’ve never been somewhere to get a burrito and was overwhelmed with the complexity of the food. Beans, rice, some meat and some tortillas and boom, feed that shit into yourself.
BASIC MAMMOTH SIZED BURRITOS LET’S DO THIS
The location of the restaurant is in downtown Richmond, near the BART station. It’s also across the street from Kaiser Permanente. Everyone knows that after you get out of the doctor you are usually pretty hungry, especially after surgery. Just ask this guy:
Hey readers, here is a little piece of advice. If they are closing the gates and trying to go home when you try to roll up and you still insist on eating there, you have a 1000% of someone putting their dick in your food. It’s statistically impossible to not have someone at least dip their nutsack in your refried beans if you are that fucking obtuse.
Anyway, here is the outside of the restaurant:
I’m a big fan of whimsical portrayals of chile peppers as humans, and this place does not disappoint:
Inside there is enough room to seat about a hundred people:
The grandma in the above picture rules. Under her handkerchief she had a shirt with a giant weed leaf and it said “A smoke a day keeps the doctor away.” One can only hope she breaks off some sticky buds for the grandchildren. Let’s look at the menu:
Why would you pay someone 50 cents to cut a burrito in half? If you are so frail that you can’t cut the softest food known to man in half you probably shouldn’t be even eating.
I really like the description of the ‘Harbour Burrito’. A burrito stuffed with rice, beans, etc. It kinda sounds like first they wrap the burrito into a hollow shell, and then they forcefully grab bare handfuls of beans and rice and shove it inside. Kinda gets my dick a little hard in a weird way.
Grilled liver? Don’t see that very often
FUCKING JAVIER BURGER
I of course ordered the Super Burrito, just to see how ‘mammoth’ these things really were, and if they could fill my body up. My assistant wanted to order something like a bean and cheese burrito, but I convinced the assistant to order the Javier Burger instead. Who is this Javier? When a man names a burger, he is beckoning the world to listen to him, and his voice must be heard.
They give you chips and salsa at the table. Hell yeah:
Chips were pretty good. Salsa was a bit too tomatoish. Onward to food:
As you can see, the burrito isn’t even that big. There are a lot of reviews of this place that say ‘football sized’ and ‘big enough for two’. No way. Maybe you can chew this thing up and momma-bird two newborn babies, but two grown adults? Let’s take a look inside the burrito.
True to form of a plate burrito, even the slightest attempt to lift off the plate gave signs of imminent tortilla collapse, so I had to use a fork. I really hate using a fork for a burrito (only acceptable for mojado) because it greatly limits the amount I can put in my mouth at once. I got the carnitas and it was pretty juicy greazy.
As you can see, there are also vast tracts of burrito land that one can wander inside of this burrito with nary a meatz.
Actual picture of my mouth looking for meat in a particularly difficult section of burrito.
Fortunately, much like the sandworms, I’m able to move quickly enough to go back to good sections that prevail with meat, cheese, and creams and guacs. Overall, I’d say the burrito is pretty whatever though. The carnitas was good, but I prefer the slightly crispy cooked kind. The beans and rice were kinda bland, and the sour creams and guacs were too light in their application. Let’s see how the Javier Burger is:
You are a dirty greazy boy JAVIER
Who’s the dickhead who makes their signature burger just a patty and cheese and mayo? Javier, that’s who. Shit is plain. My assistant was trying to make me eat the patty and just eat the burger as a grilled cheese. I was down, but I figured the Javier needed an honest appraisal as it was meant to be served. The assistant reported a sort of shoulder shrug response.
Hacienda Grill, I want to love you, but their just isn’t a lot of action going on with the flavors.
NEEDS MORE FUCKING ACTION
Here is a rad Google review of a dude complaining about a MEXICAN restaurant being too MEXICAN:
Worth your coins? What the fuck is this guy, a pirate?