Sometimes our day to day life is not particularly eventful or stressful. We just go to work, come home, and then crawl into bed at some point after doing who knows what all day. Then you wake up one day and wonder, “What the fuck am I doing with my life?” Well, I decided to make something of myself. Or more appropriately, make MORE of myself (as in put more fat on my body, hopefully on my brain and my dick). What better place than a Chinese buffet:
I have been wanting to go here for years now, but the $18 entrance fee always kept me at bay for some reason, even though I regularly spend like $15 just on chocolate bars and sushi for lunch at a Safeway. With this thought, I reasoned I’m actually probably saving money if I just eat a shit load here — and once again I’m with my guest assistant plattyjo:
PJ: I’ve never had same desire nor hope that any existential cravings would be satiated by Buffet Fortuna. But Asians do love buffets since they’re a bargain — especially if you’re capable of or are in the mood for eating a metric ton of greasy food. I always feel like I’m getting suckered since I usually wimp out after a plate or two, but I was determined to try and keep up with STF — especially since he kept daring me to fucking FEAST.
While paying, I noticed some interesting stuff going on at the register, including an economical debate:
Sadly not one single dick was drawn 😦
PJ: But someone did write “Fuck Her Face”.
There was almost no one there fortunately, which is always a good sign:
We sat in the other dining area where there were a couple of other people who looked like they had been there for a really long time, milking the $18 for every penny. Of course with buffets, the first thing you wanna do is look at the unlimited bounty of items at your fingertips (use the fucking tongs though), so let’s take a look at some of the food here.
They have the salad bar, for people who suck at buffets. Who gets an orange wedge? Grapes?
PJ: I agree that eating fresh vegetables at a buffet just takes up valuable real estate in your stomach, so yeah — skip the salad bar. But I probably should have eaten a lettuce leaf or two to help expel the fried food mass I’d be ingesting shortly out of my system.
The next aisle of food had sushi and piles of raw fish that looked like they had been there for a long time, aka have had proper time to become delicious:
PJ: I took one look at the sushi bar and realized why this place was called Buffet Fortuna: you should consider yourself goddamn lucky if you managed to walk out of there at the end of the night without contracting a wicked bout of food poisoning. The nigiri had the dull, waxy appearance of week-old fish that was hosting a salmonella party, while the rolls could have been rejects salvaged from a supermarket dumpster.
There was also a pile of some weird shit that looked like tripe, or maybe cat tongues? Or maybe a delicious stew of cat tripe and tongue? I couldn’t read the little signs next to some of the items so I’ll never know, but it tasted kind of like kimchi:
Soft drinks are also included in the entrance fee, so I definitely fucked with some Mango Icing:
PJ: Which gave STF a most righteous brain freeze. I wish I’d taken a photo of him clutching his head in agony.
Yams? Who gets that shit? It’s looks like a mummy’s dick
In true Chinese buffet style, of course they also have some weird stuff that is not Asian at all. When I was a kid my dad would take us to this shit hole that had Doritos and corn dogs under heat lamps. This place didn’t have Doritos but they did have French Fried:
Everyone knows French Fried is the perfect garnish for a fat ass plate of sushi:
Everything was really good. I got some fried chicken and some salt and pepper fried ribs too, and they were both great. The sushi had lots of white creamy shit on top, which I love, so I was pretty stoked.
PJ: STF definitely obtained Buffet Warrior status with his first course. I, on the other hand, really didn’t want to reckon with any of that sad sack sushi. But I threw caution to the wind and chose what looked like to be the safest California roll since it had mostly avocado on top. The rest of my plate was jammed with food that was fried to the max (which hopefully killed any bacteria that might fester underneath the heat lamps): sweet-and-sour pork, fried chicken, fried shrimp, fried rice, an egg roll and some dumplings. Tasted like that Panda Express takeout you ordered a month ago and forgot about in the back of your fridge, but after you nuke it in the microwave for 10 minutes — it regains some semblance of Chinese food. However, I will give myself props for also sampling the fried frog legs, which were actually pretty good. I even ate two of those Kermit appendages.
Pass me the Pepto, please
Soon I consumed my plate and it was time for round 2. For my second plate, I decided to move on from the sushi to the seafood stuff. They have a whole row dedicated to the seafood. I must admit, shit was daunting:
They had some kinda snails, mussels, oysters, crabs, crab legs, shrimp, fish carcass, whatever your dirty body desires. I put it all on my plate:
PJ: The seafood table looked like a horrifying oceanic autopsy in progress, with oozy guts and slimy bits spilling out everywhere. Oh, helllll no, I am not eating any of that — it’s definitely gonna haunt my bowels later. Since I couldn’t muster enough courage to eat anything from that aquatic nightmare, I opted for some fried noodles, fried pork, white rice and a lone slice of pineapple for some nutritional value (ok, yes, it was from the salad bar.) I did, however, decide to take my chances with some mackerel nigiri. It was so rubbery that I could have bounced it off of my plate and it would have smacked me right in the face. Notice my pathetic portion, too. I’ve been demoted to Buffet Coward status.
The crab shells had some kinda noodles or something baked into the disgusting meat. I’m sure if I took the time to Google what the fuck was going on with this thing I could explain it better, but this is my blog, not Wikipedia. Here is a closer look:
MEAT FUCKIN ZOOM FROM HELL
It actually reminded me quite a bit of this album cover:
Which contains the track The Second Sorrowful Mystery, which is all to apropos my second plate:
Seriously, is this not a sorrowful mystery?
I poked these flaps of skin/flesh on either side of the shell and they popped. I expected some kinda spider nest to erupt or some shit, but luckily it was just more green bile/meat. Needless to say I ate almost all of it so as not to infuriate the waitress, which as anyone who as ever eaten at a Chinese buffet knows, hates when any of the patrons waste food and will straight up call your ass out.
PJ: That crab was like the aftermath of the chest bursting scene from Alien. STF totally ate a fucking alien baby during his second round.
The mussels were pretty good, as were the oysters, even though the oysters had a similar noodle/meat cesspool going on. Next I tried to conquer the snails. Never having had one before, I was unsure as to how to get into their hidden meat. PJ documented the attempt:
No, it was not worth the effort. I’ll get down with some weird shit but this tasted like a pirate spitting in my mouth. As you can see on my plate I also had an eggroll and some pork stuff with savory sweet sauce. It is hard to make those two things taste gross, but they were especially good after eating the rest of my plate.
PJ: I have to give props to the exceptional qualities of the iPhone 6’s video stabilization. I was laughing so hard while STF stabbed a hole into the snail shell, then slurped up its nasty innards — all the while cooing at it like a creepy pedophile — that I thought for sure the video would be a shaky mess. But it captured his triumph perfectly, especially when he happily smacked his lips at the end (which in my mind, was reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter.)
Off I went to gather up the third plate:
Pure porridge? That’s some Matrix shit:
I decided against the Pure Porridge and got a similarly milky tofu and seafood soup, in addition to some frog legs and some more sushi:
PJ: I can’t believe he went back for more helpings of e.coli, since I’d called it quits after round two. Time for some stale pastries from the dessert table; most of the sweets were forgettable, although the sesame ball was the best of the bunch. STF did me a solid and polished off my the rest of my plate since I was ready to hide the leftovers in some crumpled napkins.
So yeah after the third plate I had pretty much tried everything I wanted to, so I went to the Men’s room to take a squirt. I was washing my hands (to get the dirty dick dust off my fingers) and there was a dude that worked there cleaning the sink next to mine. In between the two sinks was 3 loose cigarettes, just sitting there. He then picked them up and offered them to me. At first I declined, but he insisted. Perhaps it is Chinese custom to smoke a cigarette after eating at a shitty buffet? Not wanting to insult the man, I took one. I am not really a habitual smoker but I figured what the fuck:
So yeah, that’s it. You just go in and eat a bunch. It kinda rules, but is also kinda sad.