Greetings my loyal readers. I apologize once again for my long absence, but I am now back from my Black Sabbatical. My dick is hard and I’m fucking hungry.
The weather has been nice, which makes me want to take off all of my clothes and chill in the sun all day. Unfortunately for extreme white people like myself, that shit burns you. The only cure for a sun burn is of course the Mexican Aloe Vera, aka Burrito Greaze, so down to Fruitvale we go to gather our homeopathic remedies:
Las Palmas Super Burrito
Let’s check out some reviews so we can get an idea of what to expect, shall we?
Ok they are racist here. But how is the food?
She’s pissed off and full as hell!
So I guess this place is racist and full of hood rats with big orders. There is also none of your typical Mexican restaurant decor. Instead there is this random picture of dudes chilling on a skyscraper:
And one of MLK Jr:
I think he’s looking at the menu, perhaps at the weird desserts:
Sock It To Me cake? I’m guessing this is sorta like when you were 10 and your older brother would ask you if you want a ‘Hurts Donut’ and then of course you’d say yes and then he’d punch you in the nuts and say ‘hurts don’t it?!’ Except here the sweaty cook in the back just comes out and punches you in the nuts and then just walks away.
They don’t even offer regular burritos here. Only super. Fuck yeah.
They sell some shit called ‘Whiting’ . Not sure if this is a Crest product or some fish.
I really hope the taco salad is just 3 avocados in a tortilla shell.
Not really sure what the deal with all of the southern food here is but it’s pretty rad. Never been to a Mexican place that offered gumbo. Unfortunately my assistant called in sick, and rolling solo means limited ordering capacity, so I just ordered the Steak and Shrimp super burrito and some hushpuppies. The Steak and Shrimp super burrito is almost $14, so I was a bit worried that for all that money, I was not going to get that full. Fortunately this place does NOT fuck around:
I realized I was actually not even that hungry, but when life puts these things in front of you sometimes you just gotta take them down:
It’s pretty crazy to think that every single person that gets a burrito here is getting something this big. I must say I admire Las Palmas philosophy of no compromise-all feast. Look inside this thing:
Inside was a plethora of greaze. The meat exuded many fluids, and when paired with soured cream it was downright wetter than a dog pussy. The shrimp was great too. Every time I would get a wet ass bite and started to get overwhelmed, I’d hit a shrimp pocket and it would provide some relief. The lettuce didn’t even bother me. There was also a bunch of pickled jalapenos in there which added a nice balance. As you work your way down the burrito, it manages to get wider and wider and soon you have to eat it like a corn on the cob, from side to side.
SO FUCKING WET
The precious Mexican Aloe Vera started squirting on the table:
FUCK YOU SUNBURN
The hushpuppies were pretty good too. The picture doesn’t look like much, but trust me, they were delicious. I ate all of them, and all of my burrito, and then tried to ride my bike home without shitting my pants. Would definitely come back here again.
Thanks again for reading! Eternal feasting hails!