Las Palmas Super Burrito

Greetings my loyal readers. I apologize once again for my long absence, but I am now back from my Black Sabbatical. My dick is hard and I’m fucking hungry.

The weather has been nice, which makes me want to take off all of my clothes and chill in the sun all day. Unfortunately for extreme white people like myself, that shit burns you. The only cure for a sun burn is of course the Mexican Aloe Vera, aka Burrito Greaze, so down to Fruitvale we go to gather our homeopathic remedies:

Las Palmas Super Burrito

Let’s check out some reviews so we can get an idea of what to expect, shall we?

Ok they are racist here. But how is the food? 

She’s pissed off and full as hell!  

So I guess this place is racist and full of hood rats with big orders. There is also none of your typical Mexican restaurant decor. Instead there is this random picture of dudes chilling on a skyscraper:

And one of MLK Jr:

I think he’s looking at the menu, perhaps at the weird desserts:

Sock It To Me cake? I’m guessing this is sorta like when you were 10 and your older brother would ask you if you want a ‘Hurts Donut’ and then of course you’d say yes and then he’d punch you in the nuts and say ‘hurts don’t it?!’ Except here the sweaty cook in the back just comes out and punches you in the nuts and then just walks away.

They don’t even offer regular burritos here. Only super. Fuck yeah.

They sell some shit called ‘Whiting’ . Not sure if this is a Crest product or some fish.

I really hope the taco salad is just 3 avocados in a tortilla shell. 

Not really sure what the deal with all of the southern food here is but it’s pretty rad. Never been to a Mexican place that offered gumbo. Unfortunately my assistant called in sick, and rolling solo means limited ordering capacity, so I just ordered the Steak and Shrimp super burrito and some hushpuppies. The Steak and Shrimp super burrito is almost $14, so I was a bit worried that for all that money, I was not going to get that full. Fortunately this place does NOT fuck around:

Hushpuppies:

I realized I was actually not even that hungry, but when life puts these things in front of you sometimes you just gotta take them down:

It’s pretty crazy to think that every single person that gets a burrito here is getting something this big. I must say I admire Las Palmas philosophy of no compromise-all feast. Look inside this thing:

Inside was a plethora of greaze. The meat exuded many fluids, and when paired with soured cream it was downright wetter than a dog pussy. The shrimp was great too. Every time I would get a wet ass bite and started to get overwhelmed, I’d hit a shrimp pocket and it would provide some relief. The lettuce didn’t even bother me. There was also a bunch of pickled jalapenos in there which added a nice balance. As you work your way down the burrito, it manages to get wider and wider and soon you have to eat it like a corn on the cob, from side to side.

SO FUCKING WET

The precious Mexican Aloe Vera started squirting on the table:

FUCK YOU SUNBURN

The hushpuppies were pretty good too. The picture doesn’t look like much, but trust me, they were delicious. I ate all of them, and all of my burrito, and then tried to ride my bike home without shitting my pants. Would definitely come back here again.

Thanks again for reading! Eternal feasting hails!

Back 2 Back Big Burger Brawl

Many people have told me that the key to successful blogging is to be consistent with your output of posting. You know, like post once a week or something, that way it fits neatly into the schedule of Everyday Joe Lowest Common Denominator. Well, for me blogging is like taking a dump. You see, sometimes it feels good to hold it inside for several days even though your friends tell you that you should definitely let it out, and sometimes it feels good to just let your dirty hole scream bloody shitty murder at the top of its lungs. So, although I haven’t blogged in a few weeks, today you are gonna get a double header fucking back 2 back Burger Review cuz my hole is feeling fast and loose today, alright?

I KNOW YOU WON’T REFUSE YOU LIKE IT FAST AND FUCKING LOOSE 

Our first stop is in a little town called Rio Vista. It is the last stronghold of the Bay Area that can resist all forms of small plate hip restaurants, mostly because it is primarily inhabited by dumpster folk who don’t take kindly to not eating a bunch. If there was any one place that can exemplify this attitude of utmost opposition to all forms of not getting fucking full then it is most definitely the one and only Burgerlicious:

burgerlicious-map

As you can see, it’s nestled deep within the asshole of the delta, far from bozos and yuppies in the more urban areas. The sign beckons you to lay down your soul to the God’s table:

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Hungry man stoked for full stomach. 

While there is an indoor seating area, as you can see in the above picture the outside seating area is quite quaint and inviting, so outside I remained. Let’s order some shit from the menu shall we?

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Parkinson’s Disease ain’t got shit on the Flavor Shakes 

o

Picture I stole from Yelp so you guys can see the sandwiches 

So yes, they have quite the extensive menu for feasters who enjoy a good burger and shake. What’s that? Not enough selection you say? Well that’s why they made these scribbled signs:

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They literally cut a Butterfinger wrapper and taped that shit onto a piece of paper.

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By far the most intriguing menu item 

All of the burgers sounded so good. The Boss Burger was gonna be my choice, but Boss’s Day wasn’t until October 17, and I didn’t want to celebrate too early. I decided on the Hottt Pepper Cheese burger. With that triple dose of T’s, I knew this bad boy wouldn’t fail me in the flavor department. I also ordered a root beer float. Something was definitely going to be needed to wash down a TTT level heated burger. Also, I chose the garlic fries instead of the plain fries. They are the same price. Why would you go plain over garlic?

While I waited for my food to sizzle in its own greaze enough to sanitize the bacteria in it enough for human consumption, I took the opportunity to do a little sightseeing around the parking lot. Burgerlicious is located right off a major highway, but little pockets of history still abound:

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This is where man first tasted Delta Meat. 

Soon my food order number was called out, and my dirty hands brought the food to the table:

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Hottt Pepper Cheese baby 

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Hell yeah

The first thing I noticed about my burger after biting into it was that shit was not spicy. Like, not at all. You gonna put three T’s in the Hottt that shit better be spicy. It was a blasphemous embellishment:

The meats were quite delicious though. I invite you readers to enjoy the Meat Zoom and allow yourselves to take a virtual bite from the comfort of home:

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Not sure where they get this meat but Delta Meat is good. 

The garlic fries were so delicious. I’m so glad that I am smart enough to order those instead of the plain ones. The flavors could have been more pungent, but they definitely added to the experience. It added to the meal where usually there is just a side of more calories to be consumed. Speaking of calories, they were definitely not lacking, especially with mayonnaise threatening to squirt you in the eye as you bite into the burger:

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The root beer float was pretty good too. I can’t really give you too much detail because I pretty much drank all of it in two gulps. I was really thirsty. Root beer floats are not good for thirst, but the sugary cream carbonation mess is enjoyable if not satiating.

One of my assistants got the Giant Guacamole. I’m pretty sure he is still trying to get the guac stains off of his body:

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This is what the inside of a cow’s asshole looks like, on a burger. 

He reported good flavors, although the massive guac assault proved a bit relentless. Moving on, we head back a little closer to civilization, but still firmly in the grasp of the dumpster people. Where exactly you ask? Pleasant Fucking Hill. You see, one night, lying alone in my bed, I began to think “Is feasting really the path toward fulfillment in life?” Then a voice in my head called me a dog pussy and said to never blaspheme the Gods of Feast again by contemplating not filling the void in my life with fuckloads of food:

And God damn it, that voice was right. So off I went to Giant Chef Burger to break me off some dinner. But does Giant Chef Burger deliver fulfillment AND flavor, or is it simply a get-full-quick pyramid scheme from some local dumpster dwellers? Well, let’s see. This is where the restaurant is located:

giantchef

Speaking of maps, check out this sick review on Google Maps:

review

The part of the story Robert Reikes isn’t telling you in the story is the part where he shit his pants in the restaurant and refused to go wipe in the bathroom, eventually being escorted out of the restaurant. Not that hard to not forget someone who does that.

The coolest thing about Giant Chef Burger is that they are open 24 hours a day on Tuesday-Friday. On Saturday-Monday they are open until 2:30 am. That means that while they do cater to some extent to weekend warrior bozo party animals, their real clientele they reach out to are those that like to get wasted on a Wednesday night and then go get a fat meal and then spend the next day at work taking lots of bathroom breaks, you know, like how it’s supposed to be. Unfortunately I arrived here around 8 pm on a Thursday night, so the real shining examples of dumpster freedom were not here yet. But let me take you inside anyway:

20161013_201426.jpg20161013_201415.jpg There was a really fucking old person reading a boring book:

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As well as a various assortment of plain white people:

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I looked up at the shit that surrounds the windows and the pattern was one that seems to be a weird blend of floral designs which I can only describe as ‘Granny Camo’:

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I was perplexed as to what kind of burgers they serve here. Are they Chef Burgers that are extra large? Or are they normal burgers made by a giant chef? As you can see in the above picture, none of the cooks in the back look as if they are over 7 feet tall, so I can only assume they serve ‘chef burgers’. Let’s take a look at the menu:

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Sub avocado for spinach aka make it shittier? No charge! 

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Apparently although the name of the restaurant includes the word ‘giant’ they do not serve any abnormally sized plates of food, much to my dismay. Seriously, what the fuck? If there was one place where you’d think you can count on them for providing you with at least one menu item named with a pun about death due to gluttony or something, this would be the place. There is not ONE SINGLE FUCKING OVERSIZED PIECE OF FOOD HERE. Sometimes I go to places to review for this blog and I’m not even that hungry, but not so on this occasion. I was ready to tear a Giant Chef Burger a fat gaping Giant Chef Asshole. Sadly I settled on ordering only one Chili Cheese Burger and a side of soup. Today’s special was what they called Mexicali or something. My assistant ordered the Deviled Egg Sandwich. I sat patiently and contemplated how the old granny sitting across from me could stay awake while reading that shitty book of hers until my food arrived:

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It was pretty whatever. It came with crackers on the side which I thought was weird cuz there is already a bunch of chips on top shielding you from being able to put a spoon inside. 

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Chili Cheese Burger

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Deviled Egg Sandwich

As you can see from these pictures, this place is pretty fucking weak. Look at that cheese on the chili. Also, who serves an open faced chili cheese burger? That’s just a pile of meat and bread covered in sauce. That’s not a burger. You can’t pick it up. Look inside if you will:

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The fries were not good either. They were super freezer burned or something. There was definitely that flaky chalky kinda thing going on in the middle of the fries. I would expect that kind of thing from a dinner at my family’s house or something, but not at a ‘chef’ restaurant. If this is what ‘chef burgers’ taste like I’ll go back to 19 year old line cook burgers thank you very much. The deviled egg sandwich was on a whole different sub-plateau of weakness though:

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I’m pretty sure there is a grand total of about 1.5 eggs on this sandwich. Plus the eggs look like cottage cheese. Where’s the paprika? When I was a kid I was forced to go to church every Sunday, and every month there was a potluck. You’d get your throat slit for bringing a deviled egg this shitty to the potluck. Plus, look at that bread. God damn that thing is not enough to satiate even a small child!

FUCK YOU GIANT CHEF BURGER!!!