Tommy’s Castaic Cafe

It’s not too often I get back down to visit SoCal anymore, but you can be damn sure that when I do, I don’t waste my time going to the hip urban parts like LA and San Diego. Fuck that. My mother did not raise a fool. She also did not raise someone who is very socially adept, so I try to steer clear of places where people are ‘cooler’ than me, so off to Castaic I went. Once there, I got hungry, so off to Tommy’s Castaic Cafe I went:

It looks like one of those ‘internet cafes’ but it’s not

The weather was downright pleasant so I sat outside and basked in the glory of all the traffic on the 5 freeway.

 

 

Let’s go inside Tommy’s menu. Oh boy does he have some goodies!

Not sure what’s going on with the chili portion of the menu. They got Single and Double Chili Cheese Dishes but it’s anyone’s guess what the fuck a ‘dish’ is:

When a burger is so fucking fat they don’t even call it a burger it’s just a ‘size’

Do you want a French Dip? How about a Philly Cheese Steak? Hmmmm…..how about THE FUCKING MASTER CLUB BECAUSE YOU ARE SICK OF BOWING TO YOUR INFERIOR SUBORDINATE FELLOW HUMANS:

 

Usually I’m not a big omelette kind of person, but I’d be pretty fucked if someone put a gun to my dick and told me I had to choose between the ‘Local Favorite’ and ‘Jeronimo’s Belly Buster’:

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of grappling with my own inner struggles of potential food consumption, I settled on what seemed to be the dish for me. The Fucking Mess:

Joined in unholy greaze matrimony with toast or biscuit 

The waitress (who was incredibly nice to me and said I could sit outside as long as I felt like it and read my Woody Guthrie book) came up to take my order. I told her I’d have one Mess please. She politely asked “Would you like gravy on your Mess?” I said hell yes, even though I’m pretty sure that’s how rapists ask you if you prefer they use lube before they take your body against your will.

God damn it I’m killing myself to live

There’s not much to say about The Mess that you can’t see in the pictures. It’s good. It’s really good. It slides down your throat easy. After the first couple cups of gravy you probably should start taking some Tums or something but aside from that it’s pretty rad. Also they have fresh homemade salsa that is really really delicious.

I used about half of this jar on my food. 

The Mess is CLEANSED

Let’s take a look at a review from Yelp so that you readers are getting a full range of unbiased reports. This one comes from this guy:

Solid profile pic

I honestly really love trying to make sense of these stream of consciousness reviews. They are almost impossible to decipher. He says:

“when I mentioned to the waitress she’s the worst she said okay bad service worst food stay away” 

So this motherfucker casually mentions to the waitress “hey you’re the worst”. She didn’t get mad at him. Instead, she took pity on him. Like a mother to a child with a skinned elbow she admits, “okay….bad service. It’s the worst food also! You should just stay away.”

Sounds plausible.

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