Happy (Post) Valentine’s Day feasters! This day is a lot like St. Patrick’s Day for drinkers. There are a lot of fucking amateurs eating out at restaurants nibbling at little plates and talking about some really dumb topics with their dates. Meanwhile the real dudes who live this life every day have to suffer long lines and slower service due to these poseurs who are hoping to get someone to touch their nutsacks. That’s why this Valentine’s Day I opted to take my lady out to a culinary destination only a true asshole would take a date to and thus avoided any sort of unnecessary lines or waits. Enter Amazing Kitchen:

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Good for kids, and even walk-ins are welcome!

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After entering, I was really surprised that they just let any old person walk in off the street. I mean look at this place. Definitely not a total shithole:

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Would a place that lets people come in WITHOUT even ONE fucking reservation have the most bootleg Thai Tea product advertisement placement ever?

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This was taped to the wall behind me. Stock photo as fuck. 

Sometimes I go to the restaurants for this blog and I am mildly amused at my surroundings. And then there are times I just think to myself, “Man, this joke is getting really, really depressing.” Such was the case this time. I already knew my food was gonna suck. The restaurant was super cold inside and nobody was in there except a quiet family and their crying baby. But sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and order some dumb shit. Let’s indulge:

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Oddly fancy hardcover book for a menu

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Dong. Nut. 

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Fucking Fried Rice 

Navigating a Chinese food menu can be a vast and laborious experience. If you make it past the Beginner Levels you are allowed to proceed to Advanced, which is kind of like having a black belt, except the belt is really long because you’re obese as fuck.

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Different Mixed Food only $50

You know what life is like when you start knowing about some Different Mixed Food kinda shit? Kinda like this dude, plus 200 lbs:

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There are also many grotesque renderings of birds in the menu:

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That face though

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Thank God they have a disclaimer about the pictures:

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Parts of the cuisine in this menu are probably not extremely same as the photos they are shown! 

So to see just how ‘extremely same’ the pictures are to what you actually get I ordered the ‘House Special Steamed Chicken’, you know, the one that comes with the sad face of the chicken on the plate. This is what the dish actually looked like:

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Color of chicken was not nearly as yellow, nor was the face as sad.

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This stuff that looks like pond scum is actually an extremely salty ginger dipping water/sauce. It’s not very good.

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Looking for pieces of meat to suck out of the head

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I poked the eye socket and a bunch of black goo came out. Fuck. 

The steamed chicken came out to table at a pretty cold temperature. The inside of the pile of meat was kinda warm, but the rest was straight up cold. Pretty sure this dish is not supposed to be served this way. I tried to get the waiter to come by to see if he could throw the plate back in the microwave for a bit but he never came by so I just kept eating the chicken until most of it was gone. At this point I was wondering how much I would have to pay the waiter to tell me with a degree of honesty if I was gonna get food poisoned as fuck.

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I also ordered the Spicy Wontons. They also came to the table at a whopping 65 degrees Fahrenheit. Is the microwave broken back there or what? These things were actually actively kinda gross though. They had this peanut sauce on them that tasted vaguely peanut-ish but also tasted of liquid plastic, if that’s even a thing. At this point I was more intrigued as to what in the actual fuck was going on in the kitchen. Pretty sure they were just intentionally keeping the food at the ideal bacterial reproduction rate temperatures in order to completely and utterly destroy my body.

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PLEASE DON’T KILL ME

I sampled the chili paste they had on the table. Dear Lord was that a mistake:

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It looks much paler than that normal chili oil/paste stuff you usually find on the table. I put some on my plate and gathered some up on my chopsticks with my rice. There was no spice or heat whatsoever. The flavor was bizarre. It actually tasted like fermented grape juice or some kind of wine a teenager would make in his room. The oil tasted super stale too. Pretty sure this stuff was ANCIENT. It tasted nothing like chili. I’m not even joking around or using hyperbole. At this point I was on my phone deciding what casket to buy cuz I was convinced my body was basically now a biological weapon with enough deadly bacteria inside of it to kill at least 3 cave networks of ISIS.

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Just FYI readers this is the one I want

The final dish I ordered was the XO Sauce with Beef and Mixed Mushroom. I don’t know what XO sauce is but it sounded vaguely Valentine’s-ish so I ordered that. Not sure if this was a good choice or not. I asked the waiter what he recommended as far as dishes go and he just shrugged “Depend on what you want.” OH REALLY? THANKS MAN. Anyway, it was the one dish that arrived with any semblance of being heated recently.

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The food was sweet and salty and pretty typical cheap Chinese food, but in contrast with the other dishes this thing was amazing. It should be noted that all of the other empty un-bused tables got complimentary hot tea but none was brought to our table. Also, we were brought forks with no chopsticks.

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I got the impression that Amazing Kitchen just really hated me on a very personal level. This is probably the worst restaurant I’ve ever been to. I am really struggling to think of something that sucked harder than this, and I’ve been to some pretty shitty spots. When we were driving to get here we were considering just getting tamales out of the back of some abuelita’s truck and then getting churros, which in retrospect would have been way more rad. But yeah, AVOID this place. Luckily I survived the night after eating here, and didn’t even wake up with any shit on the bed.

There was a review on Yelp where some lady was talking mad shit about this restaurant because one of the employees was seen picking up trash outside the restaurant with tongs and this person gave the restaurant a one star review because of this. They thought they were handling food with the tongs after picking up trash on the street.

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Picture that was used for grounds of one star review

I was so pissed about this review I wrote yelp to take it down. Obviously this reviewer is fucking insane, and just randomly throwing family places a one star review is a dick move. But you know what? Maybe this restaurant kind of deserves it.

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