Why hello there. Remember last post when I told you guys that there was going to be a three part series about ‘Xtreme’ restaurants? Well, obviously that’s not gonna happen, due to circumstances that are beyond the control of a blogger who is only putting in the absolute minimum amount of effort into maintaining a blog. But don’t despair yet, for despite the fact that I haven’t posted in over a month, I have eaten some food in that duration of time. In fact, I have been keeping the wooden portion of the plunger at work from the danger of the wood becoming overly dry, by the simple act of dunking it in to the filled-to-the-brim shit water on a nearly daily basis. So follow me into this glorious post, which will undoubtedly lead to the plunger plunging the shit-depths once again. Today we step into an Asian indoor mall known as 99 Ranch Market, and Summon The Fucking Feast:
So you may be asking yourself right now, “Why this place?” Most leaders who rule with an iron fist like myself would simply crush your skull immediately for such insubordinate questioning, but today I am feeling gracious, so I will indulge your plebeian whims. Well in order to Feast one must open all of the five senses to track down where the greaze is. First, use the Dick in order to point yourself to the inviting smells. Then use the fucking Brain in order to read the sign outside that boasts of sick delights:
Jew’s Fucking Ear with Chopped Chili
A wise man once said “To err is to human, to ear is to Jew, but to forgive is divine”, a phrase that is old as fuck yet still bears true today. Although outlawed many decades ago as being inhumane, the practice of removing the Jew’s ear and gnawing on the precious meat until you have a flavor stain in your pants is still quite prevalent today. Personally I find the trade quite heinous, much like cutting the fin off a shark and throwing the shark back in to the ocean to die, it’s just downright abhorrent, regardless of how utterly fucking flavored the meats are. Such morality though only acts to betray a True Feaster of a True Feast though, because sadly such establishments that are willing to adhere to these old practices are usually also the best examples of their chosen culinary style. So now let’s sit down and take a look around:
The Sichuan Style Roast Whole Fish is apparently the shit to get here. It also has the Jew’s Ear for that forthright flavor. I was not trying to get forthright really, plus the $38 price tag relegates this dish purely to landmark birthday territory. Perhaps when I turn 30?
As many of you readers already know, I’m a big fan of the ass, so when I have an opportunity to bury my face into such things I will do so with abandon. Enter the ‘Assreted Spicy Hot Pot’, a veritable who’s who of anal excretions. The production of this dish is a well-guarded secret, but many believe the process to be similar to that infamous scene in Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie:
There are about one thousand other things on the menu here, but some other noteworthy items include:
As is usually the case when ordering at these types of establishments, I’ll spend all of the allotted ordering time looking for weird menu items and funny typos and then the waiter will come and ask me what I want and I’ll have no idea. I could ask them to give me a few more minutes but then that’s a few more minutes I have to wait before I get some food. So I just ordered the items that I had taken menu pictures of: the Assreted Spicy Hot Pot, the Sichuan Style Potato Stripes, and the Sichuan Spicy Wontons.
After a short duration my table started to fill with plates:
I must admit that I was a little bummed on the Potato Stripes. I knew I should have ordered something different but I just didn’t know what. The dish just didn’t have that much flavor. Sure, it had the numbing spices that Szechuan food is known for, and a light amount of chili oil, but aside from that it just wasn’t the rich densely packed flavor that I have come to expect from Szechuan places. It would have been nice if it was a dish that acted as a counterbalance of sorts to the other rich dishes, perhaps something with fresh flavors and some acidity, but it was not that either.
As you can see the wontons were gloating and floating in their own greases, getting more pungent by the minute. Look inside:
The noodle wrapping is fully engrossed with the juices, however the meat is still crystallized with flavors that need at least 72+ hours to dissolve fully. The flavor was pretty excellent though. If you just put the whole thing in your mouth and gently squeeze the juice out and then swallow it whole it’s pretty much the best.
Asscretion comes anointed in flames
The hot pot really was the high point of the meal. The flavors were incredibly pungent. Nothing but greaze and numbing spices. It seriously was probably the most salt/fat/spice to actual food ratio I’ve ever had. I had to stop eating this shit several times and eat some greasy ass potato stripes as a palate cleanser, which at the time felt like eating raw kale compared to this beast. Just look at the cesspool of flavor that lurks at the bottom:
Unfortunately I could not finish the meal due to the high content of sodium that was making me super thirsty. The few times I’ve had leftovers in my life have always been times of feeling like the biggest little bitch in the world, but trust me readers, this thing was just too god damn salty. My lips were in definite danger of enchapment. This dish is best shared among a group where you have a bunch of other dishes to eat also.
Would I recommend this place? Hell yeah I would. The flavors are there but you probably just need to get different menu items to get the right balance.