What’s up readers? How’s it been living your boring life? Are you feeling depressed, lethargic, or sometimes nihilistic? If you said yes to any of the above symptoms, you probably are not fat enough and so it’s time for Dr. Feast to step in. Extreme conditions demand extreme responses:
By extreme responses I mean that it’s time to conjure up the 3 Part trifecta/pyramid/powermyd of Xtreme Reviews. Starting now at this very second will be the beginning of a 3 part series that explores the concept of ‘Xtreme’ and how much of a little tiny person you are for not manning up and eating the shit out of every meal. What does the word ‘Xtreme’ entail and what depth of utter depravity does it bring out in the human psyche/colon? To begin our adventure, we head where else but Antioch, CA:
As you may or may not be able to see in the above depicted map of the area, XTREME BURGER is where we are destined to dine. It is located just across the street from the infamous MUSCLE MAKER GRILL. It is also right across the street from ‘Golf Course Check Cashing’ which is of course where you go if you are living paycheck to paycheck and you need money for some new golfing shit asap. It’s also right next to Tailgater’s Sports Bar & Grill, which is definitely worthy of a Summoning The Feast visit. In essence, this small square of Antioch is a blindingly bright cultural sphere of influence for bozos everywhere. Not everyone appreciates such cultural gems though, such as this Google Review by ‘NewportMarlboro’:
Before I left on my voyage here my coworker warned me that Antioch is a ‘dangerous place’. I told him I’d never EVER tolerate his insubordination again and put him in a choke hold for a few seconds. But low and behold just when I reached a block away from the restaurant some lady was in a stretcher talking to the cops. Apparently some dude just bashed her over the head with a club, threw the club in the bushes and ran away. Seeing the bashed meat on her head was making me hungry for a big burger, so off I went.
I believe it was infant Christ that once said “If the food is hot, I’ll eat it, if the food is cold, I’ll eat it, but if it’s lukewarm I probably won’t eat it.” And so with those words of infantile wisdom we must enter the gates to the forbidden meat fruit that is XTREME BURGER:
Imagine coming here, just because you thought it looked good. Imagine how big of a fucking hole in your brain you would have to have to think that. Then realize that this is a business that actually makes money.
This is what it looks like after you step inside:
They bought a TV and installed it on the wall to show pictures of menu items that are also on the menu. No sports, no movies, no Oprah, just menu items.
Xtreme rustic sailboat decor
Make that food bitch
What should we order? Do they have food that is XTREME enough? Let’s take a look at xtremeburger4u.com and see what they got cooking up here:
Burger choices. XTREME burger doesn’t sound that extreme.
Chili dog comes with ‘load’ of chili
Meat & Cheese Omelette comes with two thick ‘Baby Dolls’ slices of cheese. The ‘Baby Dolls’ contains a link to this fucking weird website about dolls:
I have no idea what these dolls have to do with cheese but I’m guessing it has something to do with finding you in a dark alleyway and non-consentingly sticking cheese in your asshole. Actually let’s just move to the physical menu where there are no links to any websites:
Grade A Slop Photography
Desserts get no slop photography 😦
‘Extra Large Egg’
So yeah they don’t really have anything here that stood out to me as being ‘XTREME’. The Xtreme Burger is just a double cheeseburger with bacon. The Philly Cheese Steak Fries (pictures above with white slop desecration) sounded pretty Xtreme I guess. I ended up ordering the Xtreme Burger with BallPark Garlic Fries. For this review I brought along a newcomer, a young man with something to prove and a gut to fill. He ordered the Bacon Cheeseburger and the Philly Cheese Steak Fries like a true feaster. My assistant ordered the Double (Portion) Xtreme Favorite Breakfast. We waited patiently and then soon enough the Burger Gods took a fat shit on the table. Oh wait, it wasn’t the Burger Gods, it was Jesus:
He died for your obesity!
Double (Portion) Xtreme Favorite Breakfast comes with a whole rack of jelly for toast
Philly Cheese Steak Fries
Ballpark Garlic Fries
Let’s take a bite and see the lie of the land:
As you can see, the newcomer has no qualms with tearing a hole into a burger like a math nerd drills a hole into his brain. Nothing is exempt from desecration:
Defile and fucking Devour
The Xtreme Burger is pretty juicy. The cheese which emanated forth from between its buns covered everything within a 3 foot radius. It actually reminded me a lot of an In N Out burger, except with more cheese and some bacon. Seeing as how many are quick to praise In N Out like a small child praises their dad, that is pretty high praise. The Ballpark Garlic Fries were pretty weak though. They just were not crispy enough. And considering they were $4.00 they could have added a bit more than just a little bit of garlic and some mayonnaise substance.
My feasting visitor reported that his Bacon Cheeseburger was pretty good. I couldn’t tell if he truly enjoyed it or if he was really thinking “Fuck you it took an hour and a half to get here and you took me to the shittiest burger place I’ve been to in recent memory.” The Philly Cheese Steak Fries definitely were not greasy enough. If you compare their product picture with the meal that was actually presented then you will notice that there is a big contrast in actual and stated grease levels. I mean look at those green peppers. They should be cooked until they are barely recognizable so they slide down your throat easier. They are basically fresh! The fries at this place are pretty shitty.
The Double (Portion) Xtreme Favorite Breakfast was reported to be a suitable breakfast from the assistant. Not a whole lot to write home about with this one. Just look at it:
I fucking dare you not to be able to make that at home better than Xtreme Burger. And this is the Double Portion? If you are ordering a Single Portion of this shit and being content you are seriously struggling with some health issues that may or may not include you being a skeleton and being susceptible to the wind blowing your dusty ass away into the sunset.
Hopefully in the next part of the series we can get a little more XTREME!