Welcome back to another edition of Summoning The Feast. This week we’ll go back to the burgeoning metropolis of Grand Junction, CO for another sacrifice to the Altar of Flavor because I was so excited about Ice Burgie that I skipped over the next restaurant in the Review Queue. Let’s zoom in on Google Maps so it’s like you guys are there with me:
As you can see in the screenshot, Mi Mexico is right next to all the raddest shit, including Bananas Fun Park, Sam’s Club, and a big ass river, making it a perfect spot to hit up after having a bunch of fun. Pretty much the only time it’s not rad to come here is after brain surgery:
Lobotomy+al pastor=happy family
Even though I do have a big ass brain I don’t really know that much about brains. However, I feel like if I just had brain surgery I’d probably just be chilling at home for a bit so my frontal lobe or whatever doesn’t get fucked up. Maybe the brain surgeon cut all the fat out of the Google Reviewer’s mom’s brain and so now she feels like her figure is slim enough so that she can indulge in a flauta or two once in a while.
Another cool aspect about checking this place out on Google Maps is the cool pics they have displayed of all the foods:
That picture of all that nasty cheese on top looks pretty gnarly right? What if I told you that one of the mini-pics in the bottom panel was one I put in?! That’s right, Yours Truly is Google famous:
THIS IS THE PICTURE PEOPLE LOOK AT WHEN THEY GOOGLE THIS RESTAURANT AND THEN THEY DECIDE IF THEY WANT TO EAT HERE OR NOT
Before you guys all bow down before me for my illustrious photography, let me humble myself, and allow you to step in to My Own Personal Mexican Property, or as they say in Latin cultures, Mi Mexico:
The first thing that is readily apparent when you walk in are the chairs:
Yes, the whole restaurant is filled with these elaborately painted and carved chairs. There are probably at least 50 of these things total. I’ve never made a Mexican restaurant chair myself before, but I’m sure it’s pretty labor intensive. This level of dedication is some straight up Level 10 murderer/rapist kinda shit, however, perhaps that level of intensity translates also to crafting superb Mexican dishes? We shall see….let’s look at the menu:
Queso Dip Burrito, smothered in dip sauce. Fuck. How gnarly is that? How gnarly would it be to add bubbly melted cheese ON TOP for $.50?!
The act of topping a Queso Dip Burrito with bubbly melted cheese is basically the Hiroshima of dairy. It would probably rip the very shreds of time (and your ass). Infinite blowhole chaos darkness:
Mexican Pizza. Image has been blurred so you don’t puke/shit your pants cuz it looks nasty.
The server boy came and requested I tell him my inner body’s desires, and after desires were voiced, he reminded me it was happy hour, so a margarita or two was also requested. After a short gestation period inside the Mexican Food Womb, some shit came out:
Chips and salsa! The best part about sit down Mexican food.
Chips and salsa came with this weird mushroom pico de gallo stuff I have never seen before anywhere:
It was pretty good though. Very salty, too much so actually, but also had enough acidity and flavor to go really well with the chips. Neither the salsa or the bastard pico de gallo were very spicy at all unfortunately. The margaritas were pretty good too. I don’t really drink margaritas ever unless they are dirt cheap, as in this case, so I’m not the most trained palate. They did cover my brain with a nice coat of alcohol though, which warmed and soothed the outer membrane until eventually the alcohol leeched into the cells of my brain, which also felt pretty good. Soon my food arrived:
My assistant was going to order a bean and cheese burrito. After explaining to my assistant that this is Summoning the Feast and not Martha Stewart’s Little Tiny Stomach Blog, the assistant opted for the Mexican Hamburger:
Yes, this is listed under the Sandwiches and Burgers sections of the menu.
My assistant and I were a little perplexed to say the least. Where the fuck is the sandwich? The assistant prodded under the goo and lettuce to reveal the head of a burger patty:
So apparently the Mexican Hamburger is just a shitty wet burrito with a burger patty inside instead of the usual kind of meat that you would get in a burrito. Weird. My assistant was loving it though:
The burrito loco was pretty much just the same thing, except it had a lump of guac and sour cream on top, with carne asada instead of a burger:
It was OK. I just kept reminding myself that at least I wasn’t at Chipotle, which usually helps when I get some food that kinda sucks. Apart from that, there wasn’t a whole lot going for it though. It was just big and bland. When I was speaking with a local and I told him where I ate he just kinda groaned like “Oooh you fucked up man.” So yeah, this place is probably pretty good for a margarita and to check out the vast array of restaurant chairs, but not much else.