Like the baby comes back to the breast, the reader comes back to the blog, and so we are here, Summoning The Fucking Feast. Put on your most cozy wife-beater and take a fat rip from that glass of Ancient Age you just poured yourself because we are about to take a little drive up HWY 99 aka the Trail of Tears to Gridley, CA aka the epicenter of Bumfuck Nowhere California:
If you run your greasy little finger along the crack of the fat ass that comprises Gridley, you surely will find that finger resting at some point upon a little establishment known to the known universe as ICE FUCKING BURGIE:
Dads and linguists alike have studied the profound puns that are hidden in Ice Burgie’s name for many ages, only to be confounded time and time again. Some scholars have argued that due to the commonplace topping of iceberg lettuce upon a hamburger, it would make sense to have a burger joint that reflects such topping in its name. However, scholars have also argued that iceberg lettuce is indeed the shittiest part of a burger, and the name of the restaurant is actually an attempt to reflect the restaurant’s dual nature of a shake/burger restaurant. Almost all serious attempts at understanding the origins of the language here have noted that Ice Burgie pretty much just makes you think of a nasty cold ass burger.
Regardless of who argues what, my yearning was horrendous, and it was time to feed:
I arrived at Ice Burgie mid-afternoon on a Saturday and there were many folks gathered in line also to feed here, which gave me a chance to eye up the menu:
Clearly they have a wide assortment of menu choices to satisfy even the most discerning adult who still has a child palate. They have taquitos, chicken nuggets, chicken sandwiches, even the ambiguously named ‘pizza stick’. In addition, they also have a fat assortment of ice creamed drinks. You can get a milkshake, a float, a freeze, a tornado, a frostie, or a sundae. If you still think asparagus is yucky and Sunny Delight is a healthy fruit juice, this place is your shit. When it was my turn to step up to the plate I ordered the Pizza Stick, a Super Taco, and a Watermelon Freeze. After a brief interlude my greasy bag was presented:
I went into the shady outdoor eating area to feast and was assaulted by a gamut of dumpster people paraphernalia:
Dumpster car sales supporting Trump
Publications about ‘Cop Talk’ and gambling aka shit dumpster people care about.
Fans that make you feel like you are in a serial killer’s house
“You can’t leave yet, you didn’t eat your Pizza Stick!”
Young people enjoying various iced creamed beverages.
I cracked my bag open and decided to try the Super Taco first:
Holy fuck this thing was greasy! I’m not sure if it was the coarse beef grind or the fried tortilla shell, but there was clearly a lot of fat content pulsating out of this piece of food I was about to eat. The sour cream on there was surely souring more and more by the second, so I sucked it down as fast as possible. I wouldn’t say it was ‘good’ or ‘delicious’, but it did slide into my digestive system pretty easily. I guess you’re supposed to put this stuff on top of your taco too:
After that I needed to hit my freeze for some refreshment:
I’m not sure what the difference between the freeze and the shakes is, but this tastes like a shake with some watermelon flavoring squirted in. The flavoring was pretty weak though, so it just tasted like pink vanilla ice cream. Pretty good though, especially on a hot day in Gridley. You’re probably wondering, “Hey, what the fuck is a Pizza Stick anyway?” Ask and you shall receive:
The answer is if you take some Pizza Rolls:
And you cut the ends off of about 5 of them and then bake them back together like a Pizza/Human Centipede:
Follow the diagram then pop that shit in at 350.
Then boom, you’re sucking on the business end of a meal:
You know those pepperoni bites are making your legs shake cuz you are so hungry.
Usually I try to review the restaurants I eat at, but I feel like in this case it’s like a doctor trying to give a 1-5 star rating of a case of some weird disease, so I’m just gonna let you readers decide for yourselves.