Welcome to another installment of me feeding myself. Are you ready to read about feed?

Yes, yes you are. So in this installment, we head down to Fremont, the cultural mecca/suburban wastehole of the Bay to engage in the technological marvel of food engineering that is iPho:

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iphomap

Not sure what the circumstances were behind the naming of this restaurant, but I’m pretty sure it was something like this:

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Dude pictured above got an iPhone and slowly overcame the mental handicap of being old as fuck to learn how to use the phone to take creepy pictures of attractive women on the street. He became so stoked on the newfound technology that he actually decided to open a restaurant in honor of this profound discovery. Most people would probably just kill themselves after making such dumb mistakes in life, but not this guy. So now that we understand the genesis of this place, let us step inside:

20160704_132340.jpgUnfortunately there is lots of pleasant natural lighting, so you don’t get the legit ‘inside a cellphone’ experience.

It appears that the restaurant next door, Boiling Point, commands most of the attention in this little arena of restaurants, so for the most part this place was empty. All the better for me as I tend not to be psyched when there are a bunch of people at elbow’s length from me watching my body get fucking full. The interior was pretty nice though. Usually I don’t really give a shit if there’s trash all over the place and a general sense of filth, but I do suppose it’s nice when it’s clean and there is nice lighting inside. Let’s open up the menu:

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Clearly that chef is a mere one finger away from the universal hand gesture for ‘good food’:

z9qQUCh

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Incredible yummy

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 20160704_132027.jpg20160704_131954.jpg20160704_131912.jpgThat 38 looks pretty legit with full red oily broth saturation. 

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God damn that 16 looks pretty legit too though…so many balls their combined meat power is almost bioluminescent

Damn all the soups here look so good. Some of you readers might be thinking right now “But wait, what about all of the noodle dishes?” If you want to talk about noodles you can start your own blog. As far as I’m concerned, a dark mysterious highly concentrated broth of flavor potency with meats and noodles soaking inside is far more intriguing. But seeing as how it was hot as balls outside, I had to cleanse my parched palate with other delicious items before immersing myself into the rich broths:

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Avocado smoothie with pearls for added Asian-ess

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Fresh spring rolls with peanut dipster, with dipping hand shown for realism

The avocado smoothie was definitely supremely refreshing. The little pearls are also a nice little touch that help me not drink the whole thing at once like I am wont to do. I was gonna get the Chinese Health Drink but I was afraid of shitting my pants, so I played it safe. The fresh spring rolls were pretty good. They have enough flavor to where you’re stoked to eat, but lacking in flavor enough so that at every dunk in the peanut dipping tank, you are still looking up to see if they are bringing your bowl of food. Soon enough the food was brought forth:

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I ended up getting 38, Hue’s Spicy Noodle Soup. If Hue or Huey or Baby Huey or whoever is proud enough of their dish to put their name on it I figured it must be pretty good. Plus, look at the broth. Clearly Hue has squirted some truly rich ingredients in there, and probably let that shit stew for at least half of one of his/her shifts. You can tell each piece of meat inside was hand selected for optimum flavors:

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Swiss cheese-like flavor holes act as globules of palate flavor squirters. 

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If you look semi-closely you can see distinct fatty meat bumps in the meats. These are Hue’s signature. They will give you bowel blasts if you aren’t careful, but they are oh so delectable. 

Yes, Hue did quite an excellent job preparing this succulent bowl of steaming noodled juice. The broth was absolutely saturated with chile oil and other stuff that makes stuff taste good. The noodles were nice and thick and cooked just to the right texture. It was definitely one of the best bowls of soup I’ve had in a LONG time. In fact, I ate it so fast that my assistant had barely even started eating before I was done:

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The law of the table demands that once your meal is done, food may be taken from others at the table if 75% or more of their food is still on their plate. If you are eating that slow clearly you don’t want it. So I took my pickings of the plate:

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The name of the dish has been lost in my vast mind, so we’re just gonna have to call it chicken and rice. The sauce was absolutely flavorful. You could tell it was the result of good cooking skills and not just simple additions of salt and sugar and spices. On the side (not pictured) was even a little bowl of chicken broth to use as a dipster. Or maybe you dump it on top? Either way, flavors were fucking popping off in here. Maybe it’s because the flavors have been recycled and gather richness from being in other meals already:

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Two stars despite claims of absolutely psychotic interactions with people. Good sport. 

No matter what the secret here is, clearly they have dialed it in. So get in your mobile feeding device;

o

And get your ass down here to feast.

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