Welcome back readers. Last week I took you to the resort town of Fresno, where I’m planning on retiring. As tight as that shit was, unfortunately I had to leave, so this week I’m taking you to the cozy beach town of Hayward, CA to visit Shark Shack:


Locating the storefront can be tricky


There it is!

Beachfront property and Shark Shacks seem to go hand in hand. Apparently there is another Shark Shack in Redondo Beach:


That pizza is on fire and that shark is obese as fuck. 

Unfortunately/fortunately, this is not Redondo Beach, and as you can tell, Hayward has some problems with development. Just ask this Yelper:


Gotta include that time and temperature in that review. 

In addition to his sprawling random nonsense, I especially enjoyed the part where he dropped that super casual dumbfuck sexist comment:



Seeing as how Hayward needed some help, and ‘Albertino M.’ wasn’t doing much, I decided it was time for Summoning The Fucking Feast to summon the fish taco charity. So I decided to Shark Shack-le down:



It felt like I was inside a Trader Joe’s, except instead of selling groceries, they sold groceries that were already cooked for you by a chef person for an affordable price. Sounds like a pretty solid deal to me. Let’s take a look at what the Shark people have to offer. Here is a list of the fish tacos they offer:



Surfer taco comes with ‘Wipe Out Sauce’. 

Mysterious quotation marks over items that should not have them, such as “chicken” and “guac”:


Superb menu food photography:



Toaster strudel or enchilada? 


They serve a bunch of stuff here, including burritos, quesadillas, tortas, etc., but the clear choice to make seemed to get the fish tacos, but which ones? Well, for me, I really wanted to try that Wipe Out Sauce, so I got the Surfer. Plus, according to its description on the menu, it promised Gnarly Stuff, which sounded like stuff I wanted to ingest. To round out my 2 taco combo I got the Ripper. Its promise of tasty shredded beef drew me like a moth to a grease flame, plus I’ve always felt like my asshole was a tad too small, so hopefully the Ripper would help me open her up a bit.

Despite the fact that the fish tacos are the thing to get here, ordering the 2 Taco Combo was a really hard choice for me to make. Nearly 100% of the time I’m a burrito kinda man. However, after reading this Yelp review, I definitely did not want to fuck with the burrito:


Seeing as how I don’t think I’ve ever sucked anything until it wets before, I wasn’t about to start now, especially not with a burrito, so yeah, I stuck with the tacos. After a brief waiting period (during which they give you chips and salsa hell yeah), the tacos came to my immediate feeding vicinity:


Ripper on top, Surfer on bottom


Meat Zoom of Ripper

At this point I should mention that I had 2 assistants with me this time to aid in my tacos sampling. Here is the Snapper taco and the Jaws:


The other assistant got the Mermaid:


Both assistants reported delicious flavors. Assistant #1 said his/her Jaws taco was a bit tougher of meat caliber than the Snapper, but otherwise were both delicious. Assistant #2 said his/her Mermaid taco was similarly delicious, however there was the caveat that, after having tried my Surfer taco, it would have been much better with Wipe Out Sauce.

My food was properly tasty as well. I tore into that shit in true shark fashion:


No compromise in proper feastings

Out of the two tacos, I heavily favored the Surfer. The salmon was grilled to perfection, leaving the meat ripe for the picking and not all dried out like it sometimes can be. Plus you got that fucking Wipe Out Sauce that has got the best cream juice mixed with a delectable selection of spices that truly make you want to Wipe. It also had a fat load of cabbage, tomatoes and onions on top to give it a nice balance of flavor dynamics. The Ripper was pretty good too, but unfortunately the beef shred seemed to have been over-moistened as you can see in the above pic. Maybe I’m just old school, but I like my beef shred on the crispier side. The taco just felt too wet inside. The flavor was good, but with the greasy fried shell and the wet meat it just didn’t have the popping flavor like the Surfer. The waitress brought us some house-made extra spicy salsa for our tacos after requesting a spicier salsa option. It did not disappoint. The rice and beans served as a good way to fill up some of the empty space that resided in my stomach recesses after eating the tacos.

So to wrap things up, if you find solace in emaciation;

this place is not for you. It is for people that like to feed. Personally, I think I would favor going to a restaurant with a really good fat ass burrito over this place, but if you really enjoy eating fish tacos in a fake tropical setting this might be your shit.


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