Ah, the joy of being a father. You know, that ecstatic feeling that encompasses your entire being when you see a little version of you get squirting out of a woman’s hole. Even better than the joy of bringing another parasite of the Earth’s resources into existence is the sudden appreciation of hot rods, Steely Dan, Hawaiian shirts and obesity that coincides with the arrival of mini-you. Such a universal bond of dadhood requires a gathering place to gather with other dads to drink, eat, and ponder braiding your goatee, and that place is here:
Smoking Pig BBQ
Historical Footnote:Their previous logo was scrapped due to “being kinda gay”. Dads being such a sexually orthodox folk, one could see the limited appeal to Smoking Pig’s audience.
Don’t believe me? Don’t take my word for it. Even this little pant-shitting toddler knows:
Despite the fact that the child obviously has a dumbshit dad who thinks you are supposed to play soccer with your hands, he still has managed to survive long enough to know that all dads LOVE smoked meats so you better get a reservation! Although personally I have not made a little baby yet, I was curious what it would be like to wine and dine inside the dad coven, so to San Jose I went:
The paper towels on the table are to wipe up the cum that flows like a river out of your cargo shorts when eating ribs and listening to hard blues rock.
While eyeing over the crowd here, I spotted at least 2 braided goatees, and perhaps one of those also had a braid in the back, signifying apex dad predator status. Surely one with such a sick braid combo must be a hard blues rocker, perhaps in one of the many shit bands that play at Smoking Pig:
Kid Andersen and the Greaseland All Stars…..fuck that rules.
I have no idea what zydicko is, but if Buster Hymen and the Pepto Bismols, or even a Steve Miller Cover Band played here that would be a rootin’ fucking tootin’ good time. But even if an establishment has all of the best zydicko bands, if the food sucks, it doesn’t mean shit. So let’s take a look at the food, shall we?
Leatherdaddy pig, story about his neighbors liking his meats or something, blah, blah, blah….
Wolf turds or potato grenades?
Select your meats and sides
Describing your food as ‘food porn’ is a little off-putting in its self-consciousness
I started with the sampler plate:
The standout was the Wolf Turd, which is pretty much a bacon-wrapped jalapeno popper. So much grease was squirting into my mouth that I’m pretty sure even my teeth were gonna get obese. I had no idea that lycanthro-shit tasted so good, and you don’t even have to lift up the tail and suck the food out its ass like this girl:
The string around the tail facilitates easy lifting so you can really get up in the ass.
The Chicken Lollies and the Potato Skins were also pretty fucking awesome. As much as I find it utterly disgusting and tacky when people proclaim their love for bacon, you gotta admit, smoked chicken wrapped in bacon sounds pretty delicious. Also, you can see in the above picture that the potato skins were pretty much dripping like a dirty pussy with flavor. Covered with creams and meats baby. My only complaint was that in such utter greaze hedonism, there isn’t really any flavor that makes you go ‘oh wow, that’s something different that I don’t taste very often’. It’s just solid fatfuck food that makes you not want to stop eating.
So after letting the lycanthro-shit slide down my greedy gullet, I needed a refreshment, and what better solution than the Redneck Sundae:
Too bad I didn’t get a picture of me spooning this little delight, because it is quite messy and worthy of a good Meat Zoom. This thing is actually pretty big and could be a meal by itself if you are a weak pleb, and despite the fact that it is obviously more of a novelty, it is very delicious. The pulled pork was very flavorful and juizy, and the mashed potatoes were just right. This item would probably really suck if it was done at a shitty BBQ spot, but Smoking Pig has good flavors going on so they can pull this kind of thing off.
Now it’s time for some Meat Combo:
We got 2 of the 3 Meat Combos, which means we got all 6 of the available meat selections, with a side of greens and some BBQ beans. Being a big ass pile of meat, of course it was delicious. My favorite was the Burnt Ends. That little bit of char with all of the fat makes for a pretty rad flavor combo. My only complaint was that the portions could have been much fatter, and this being Summoning The Fucking Feast, that’s kind of a big deal. Having never been to the South myself, I can’t say for certain, but I feel like if you went to a legit spot in Memphis or something they would hook it up FAT. Bigger portions would also mean I have enough meat to give sufficient sampling to all of the delicious sauces they have here at Smoking Pig:
My favorite was probably the Carolina Sassy. It had the most flavor, while the others were more just different ratios of vinegar, sugar and heat. I just feel like if I had more meats I could have had more time to savor the sauces. But yeah, I would recommend this place, especially if you are a dad trying to watch your weight, or your doctor tells you that you need to cut back on the greaze but you still wanna ‘cheat’ sometimes. They just need a little more of this kinda dude’s vibe going on though: