Do you remember when I talked about Lumpy’s Diner? There was one man that had done ALL of the food challenges that Lumpy’s offers, a man of massive digestive might only a select few on this Earth have seen. This man, Scott Kearney, really titillated me. What drove him to rise above his peers and devour everything into Lawless Darkness? I got a wild hair in my asshole and decided to seek him out on Facebook, and sure enough, I found a man from Pittsburg, CA under the name of Scott Fucking Kearney. He responded to my inquiry about an interview much faster than anticipated, and thus, I was caught off guard. I should have known a man such as him with such an appetite for life and grease does not live life in the slow lane. Anyway, we discussed engorgement, and the rest is history.


The Feaster, Scott Kearney

Dweller Of The Bottomless Pit aka Scott Kearney

Summoning The Feast: 

Hey, I have a food blog, and if I’m not mistaken you are the guy who has completed several food challenges for Lumpy’s Diner. I know this is random, but can I interview you for my blog?

Scott Fucking Kearney:

Yes, I completed several challenges there – all but one.

The team one right?


Man, that’s impressive!

I did all of the challenges at Antioch & Pittsburg, except the Team one.

The waitress said you could definitely do the team one by yourself…

That’s 10 pounds of meat but not impossible.

Hell yeah!

I believe the intent is to get two people to do a dog pounder side by side but it is one pound more than the dog pounder for each person.

WOW! Dude, have you ever thought about doing the Scrum Burger Challenge in Point Richmond? It’s like 4 Sandwiches and 2 burgers stacked on top of each other and a side of chili fries. 45 minutes.

I haven’t heard of that?

You should do it!

I like challenges like this.

So, what’s your motivation to push yourself to the limits?

Just the challenge itself. Mostly they say it can’t be done.

Not the babes that come along with the glory?

I have yet to see that.

Shucks. Do you ever do ones that involve eating spicy food rather than enormous amounts of food?

I usually come in very quietly and no one notices me. I have not done a spicy challenge but it has crossed my mind. I do like spicy foods.

This place in Livermore has an Atomic Chili Cheese Dog Challenge. Looks pretty gnarly.

Is this a spicy hot dog? Or????

Yeah, it’s just one regular sized hot dog. But it’s super hot I guess. Someone told me an elderly man tried to do it and they ended up wheeling him out on a gurney.


He was probably just too weak.

Do they tell what kind of sauce is on it?

No. They just say it’s super hot. You should do it man. At what point in your life did you know that you could feast like a king?

Since I was 10, a skinny rug rat with 5 people’s appetite in a skinny body. I just didn’t do a challenge until Lumpy’s. It just seemed easy.

That rules. You’re definitely a legend at Lumpy’s.


Well, probably. The awards plaques definitely look more impressive when there is only one name on all of them.

That’s true but at two places in my case.

Haha. Do you ever go to super fancy gourmet restaurants?

Yes. I used to be a cook and eat out every day. 

Do you get angry when they don’t give you a bunch of food?

Looking for all kind of different foods to try, many of the restaurants do not give enough food. For what we pay for.

I feel you dude.

An example is Apple Bee’s last Sunday. I tried their cucumber salad with a little spice and paid $4 for 5 slices of a cucumber. A true rip off.


At this point in the interview I Googled the Applebee’s Cucumber Salad. It does indeed look pretty fucking weak:


Man, that’s lame.

It is. If someone asks for the challenge at Spanky’s how do they respond? Do they cheer on the challenger or simply let the person do the challenge?

 I walked in there once to do the challenge, thinking it wouldn’t really be a big deal, but apparently the manager has to be there. And all challengers are videotaped and it’s uploaded to Youtube. The manager wasn’t there so they wouldn’t let me do the challenge.

That really sucks!!!

That being said, it would probably be pretty easy to go in there early on a sunday or something when there isn’t a lot of people and call ahead to make sure the manager is there. But yeah, it sucked!

Is it the same way for the hot dog challenge? 

There is only the one challenge, the atomic dog.

Right, does the manager have to be there for the atomic dog challenge?

Yeah. He’s the one that films it. 

I see, too bad Lumpy’s doesn’t do that.That’s interesting. For the hamburger challenge, does the manager have to be there as well?

That one I’m not sure. I’m planning on doing it soon, but I haven’t looked into the details.

That’s great!

Dude, look at this thing. It’s not even that big.


I know. To me it is a cosmetic burger.

Cosmetic? You mean, for whimps?

It looks nice and big but not really. It has it’s own challenge so not for whimps. It may be deceptive in the looks department. If this is 5 pounds or so then whimps could not do it.

True. I’m looking at those side of chili fries though. They look mean.

The fries is what would get you, by surprise.

Yeah, I think that’s how they get you.

 Do most people start with the fries?

I’m not sure. What would an experienced feaster such as yourself do?

 I would start and finish the burgers first knowing I can gulp down the fries.

Sounds solid. I think that’s my plan of attack.

The part to watch out for is the fries becoming cold.

Ouch! Didn’t think about that. Cold fries are really hard to eat, even when I haven’t eaten a stupid amount of food.

I would ask for the sauce to be on the side for the fries.

Yeah, that way you could just consume it easier.

Yes. And the fries do not become soggy.

Do you use the whole allotted time for a challenge? Or full force attack?

I do not use a lot of time for challenges, I simply go in and order it on a whim. It is a last minute decision.

True Badass. 

I think it is kinda fun to just do it without thinking about it. It catches everyone by surprise, especially the restaurant when they have to scurry around and put it together.

It is a giant load of food to prepare. Do you give giant treats to Trick or Treaters on Halloween?

I give the kids more treats, candy but nothing big.

I feel like your neighbors would expect you to be giving like giant bricks of chocolate out.

They don’t know that I did the challenges.


The only people that know went to Lumpy’s. 

What’s your weekly training regimen for eating like a beast?

There is none. I just do it, at the time. 


During the time when I was a cook in the Navy, I created my own challenges.

Like what? 

Where I was able to eat 2 to 4 pound steaks with plenty of sides.

The captain let you eat that much meat?

Every once in a while I would go to the “Great Steak” house. Me and a friend would order special cut steaks with large sides.

That’s awesome.

We looked at it as a personal challenge because no one else did it.

Well, Scott, it’s approaching sleepy time for me. It was good talking to you man. Any last words? What’s your favorite band?

AC/DC and KISS. Have a great night, not sure of any last words but we can talk again if you like.


Congrats Scott




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