Ah yes, pizza. The ubiquitous greaze vehicle that we all know and love. Some people are content to merely eat it, yet some others are apparently moved to raise it from a mouth-tongue sensory experience to a full-on boner-rager. That’s where Pizza Orgasmica comes in. Check out the commercial:
In which the dude sips a beer which has been apparently adulterated with mind-altering substances that induce booty-shaking apparitions:
Then he slams his beer in one gulp and orders like a dick for another one:
Oh wait, that commercial explained basically nothing about this restaurant/brewery. I’ll explain it for you. It’s located in San Rafael and they serve pizza, Brazilian food, beer that they make on premises, and some shit called funky digs.
This is what it looks like inside:
The waitress took us to our table, and along the way we spotted all different kinds of diners. Lots of families, groups of friends, and even some bros just chillin’ eating pizza:
There was even an Orgasmic Child Birthday Party:
When I was a kid, my mom wouldn’t even take us to Applebee’s because there was a bar in the middle of the restaurant and she thought it was an immoral type of place to eat or something. She’d totally lose her mind if she saw these kids being served cake by a waitress with a shirt that says ‘We Never Fake It!’ on the back. Unfortunately, I didn’t get a good look at the Birthday Boy’s cake, but I’m pretty sure it closely resembled this:
It’s no secret that I enjoy a finely crafted ale almost as much as I enjoy a good feast. For one, it feels good to soak your brain in poison, and secondly, as all gastronomes know, you ain’t feastin’ unless you aperitifin’. So I ordered an IPA and it was bestowed unto me promptly by a Brazilian Barbie:
The taste was acceptable. Not the dankest thing ever, but totally acceptable beer similar to what you would get at BJ’s or something. After this I got the Blueberry Best Bitter, and that tasted like what probably was at some point in its sad life a good beer, and then someone dumped Dimetapp in it. It wasn’t even fruity. It was just straight medicine. I didn’t even finish it, and I drink fucking Buzzballz on occasion, so I feel like that’s saying something.
Anyway, by now I was Aperitifed, so it was time to be Appetized. It would be remiss to not order some Brazilian food at a place that offers such, so I decided to scope the appetizer options. The Fried Yucca sounded tight. I’m a big fan of all things served with mustard:
Very delicious. Basically just tasted like steak fries, but with more substance. Also, I get that the salad is there for color but:
Now that I had been Aperitifed and Appetized, it was time to quit fooling around and goes ballz deep. Yes, the time had come to open those Unholy Scriptures of Engorgement, those Texts of The Obese, the Black Book of The Fat Fucked; the Menu:
Unholy Pizza Lust Temptations
Would you be surprised if I told you almost all of the pizza names are references to boning chicks? Don’t take my word for it:
I had a hard time picking my poison. The Latin Lover sounded sexy as fuck, but so did the ever so innocent Farmer’s Daughter. In the end though, I kept it pretty straight forward and got a large pizza with half Erotica, and half Doggie Style. It was weird telling the cute Brazilian waitress that I wanted these things. I felt dirty, but my hunger boner raged on:
The one with the corn is the Erotica, the other one is the Doggie Style.
I picked up a slice of Erotica first, since it seemed like you should enjoy that one prior to other sexual activities. It was delicious. The rosemary potatoes and roasted garlic are pretty much a winner on any sort of food. The little pieces of corn had developed a nice little roast from being in the oven which was tasty. And then there was the pesto sauce which was of course delicious. Then I picked up a slice of the Doggie Style. I was about to bite into it, but something didn’t feel right. Oh yeah, duh, gotta hit that shit from the back:
Ballz Deep baby
It was heavenly:
Don’t act like you wouldn’t hit this:
The Doggy Style was an exercise in Greaze, and it was delicious. The plethora of meats kept my feeding hole nice and lubricated. As you can see from the above however, the folds in the flesh were quite flimsy. Some enjoy a slice that folds easily, while some others prefer a thicker cut. I’m somewhere in between, but when presented with a very thin slice, I think the crust should at least be rigid enough so that when folded the tip of the slice doesn’t droop down and release it’s cheesy goodness unto the plate/table. This pizza, despite it’s sexual connotations, definitely had trouble retaining its erection, and its cheese on top. That being said, pretty good greasy bar pizza. It’s fucking cheese and bread and savory sauce. If you are drinking beer and this is in front of you you will eat it even if you aren’t hungry. Plus, it’s just a good thing to support places that aren’t on some pseudo-religious conservative bullshit agenda like Chick-Fil-A, and are down with people being open-minded. Would tap again if in San Raphael.