Last week I got off work on a rainy Wednesday afternoon, and I was in quite a contemplative mood. I pondered many things, but perhaps the most profound of which was the subject of what it truly means to have one’s stomach full. What is it about being full that separates us, Homo Sapien, from the rest of the homos? Is it a feeling of being moderately engorged, a feeling of pleasant heft to the belly, or a full-on Nuklear Feazt Attak? To explore these ideas, I needed to go out on the field and gather some anthropological research, so I headed off to Whipple Taqueria:
Sign just says Taqueria in an effort to draw non-kvlt customers away.
I thought their name was rather whimsical, until the dumbass in me realized that they are located on Whipple Rd:
And then I realized it might also be a reference to a disease that totally fucks up your gastrointestinal tract and I was stoked. Spurred on by this revelation, I glanced at these glowing reviews on the most trusted of all restaurant review services, Google Maps:
They have great service, great price and it’s nasty. I’m sold.
Even before I set foot inside the place, I knew that if I was to really get any answers about the questions of humanity’s relationship with being full as fuck, I had to go balls deep, balls so deep that balls might not be extricated when the time cums, a Catch-69 of sorts that all true researchers must undergo. I took a deep breath, then I withdrew that shit, and I glanced at the menu:
Pics via Yelp
Being a big fan of engorging myself on burritos, and due to what surely promised to be an object of mighty girth, I ordered the King Kong Burrito. It also just never gets old ordering the dumbest sounding thing on the menu out loud. Telling a 17 year old Mexican girl that you want to eat a King Kong Burrito just has a certain timeless appeal to it. I ordered it with Lengua, and then helped myself to a free side of chips and some salsa from the salsa bar(fuck yeah):
You have to open the little door in front to get a basket out. It’s tight.
The slop level of this salsa bar looked a lot like my face during my meal.
The orange one is so good.
Then my burrito came out:
It was definitely super girthy, basically two burritos worth of food. I gotta say, I was intimidated. The sweat on my brow was accumulating. King Kong was staring me down:
‘After I’m done eating these strippers I’m gonna punch you in your face.‘- My Burrito
But then I was like, “Wait, I’ve slayed way harder game than this before.” And I picked King Kong up, and instantly started slaying him from his head to his ass. Also, few people know about this trick, but if you want to slay a beast, you gotta choke him out with the iridescent salsas:
Fuck the apes, Homos rule:
Inside the taqueria it can get heated.
Battles and slaying aside, the burrito was actually tasty. The lengua had great texture. Not gelatinous and soft, but not tough either, which is tight because you want to feel like you are eating meat. The worst thing about lengua usually though isn’t that it has a weird texture or that it tastes bad; bad lengua usually just doesn’t have much flavor. This meat however was pretty delicious. Very hearty and slightly gamy. I’m also very down with the mix of rice, beans, onions, sour cream and cilantro inside, but unfortunately the ratio of rice was a bit high in the mix and led to too much dryness inside of the burrito for my palate. Maybe if they scaled back the rice, or added more meat or more creamz it would moisten up the Flavor Gates for my Phallic Desecrator.
Not sure if it’s a good idea to keep calling my mouth the Phallic Desecrator….
I gotta say, after teaching this damn dirty ape a lesson, I was pretty full, but was I full in a philosophical sense? No, I wasn’t. So I ordered some tacos:
Tripa and Carnitas
If you look at Whipple Taqueria’s Yelp you will see that basically the only thing anyone talks about here is that tacos are only $1 everyday and they are really tasty. After quickly consuming the above two tacos I can confirm that these statements are 100% true, and I’m actually really glad that I ate my burrito beforehand because if I came here and just got tacos I would easily have eaten a dozen of these things. I’m usually not a taco kinda guy, but holy shit these things are good. And shit, they are only one dollar. You can hardly wipe your own ass these days for that price. If I was to come back here again for another feast I’d just opt for two tacos of each kind of meat for starters.
So, to answer the aforementioned question of what it means to be full, as a human, I’ve feel I’ve merely scratched the surface of the question, but the feeling of ecstasy I felt while triumphing over and eating King Kong seems to have an eerie precedent:
One ape discovered that eating the fresh brain of one’s own kind increases the sexual impulses. He and his descendants became addicted to brains and hunted for them. It was not until later that they noticed that their intelligence increased as a result. The outcome of this process is HOMO SAPIENS.— The Beginning was the End, p. 37