Ahhh yes, the Diner. It really is a marvelous place, and a very important one I might add, for as you anthropologists out there already know, it is one of the last vestiges of a very important habitat for a way of human life that has been dwindling rapidly since the onset of the Internet Age. You see, much as how the Hunter/Gatherer lifestyle that was once the epitome of human existence has been wiped out since the onset of the agricultural revolution, the Feaster/Gatherer has been wiped out by the Zaggots and Small Plate Yuppies.

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Victims of the cycle of extinction

And thus it is with great joy that I present to you readers who have pleaded your allegiance to my quest of fulfilling the gut, a great example of Feaster/Gatherer heritage that my people have treasured since 2008, Lumpy’s FUCKING Diner:

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Lumpy himself (RIP unfortunately) was a model citizen, and true badass:

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Check out this video if you don’t believe me (which is also eerily reminiscent of this video):

If one peers into the monument of food that Lumpy built, one does not have to peer far to realize that Lumpy ate a fuckload of food, and just as hard as he ate, he gave equal effort to create an environment friendly to fellow big boys. Just check out the decor inside:

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These burgers are hard as fuck

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Fred Durst Big Boy? 

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Friendly for big boys. Hippies however….

Here are just a few choice selections from his empire:

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Rockabilly Wrap

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Who? JOE MA MA 

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The Punisher Burrito 

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‘Topped with a moist ball tip’ . Sounds like someone might need to powder their ball bag.

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Tempting, however, I already take a Killer Blast almost everyday. My hole is ritually abused. 

Some restaurants have a food challenge in an effort to garner attention to their restaurant. Lumpy’s has a whole fucking section of their menu dedicated to food challenges:

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 I’m sorry to let my dear readers down, but your’s truly totally pussed out and decided not to surmount the challenges, although the Dog Pounder doesn’t even sound like that much food. I mean, I don’t weigh my food out regularly, but when I used to go to Del Taco a lot my go-to was six 1/2 bean and cheese burritos, which would get me full, but not crazy full. So I think “4+” lbs of food isn’t really that intense, so who knows, maybe I’ll come back, especially since the Pittsburg location has only ONE dude who has done the Dog Pounder. Actually, this guy is the only dude to have done any of them, and he’s done all of them:

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This guy is a true American hero. I asked the waitress about him and she said the only challenge he hasn’t done is the one that requires two people, but she assured me that he could probably eat that shit by himself. He probably eats babies and blames it on neighbors’ dogs. Dude rules.

Challenges aside, I decided to order something that would hopefully approximate the feeling of a food challenge without totally wrecking me, so I ordered the Punisher Burrito. My assistant ordered the Who? Joe Ma Ma. This is what the dishes looked like:

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Punisher Burrito

My first thought was ‘This thing is fucking small.’ Tasty looking? Yes. Punishing? I think not. I was expecting this:

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And I got this:

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Indeed, I was bummed enough to forget to ever take a picture of the inside of my burrito, which I know is a piss-poor excuse but you guys are gonna have to take it. The inside is eggs and pulled pork and hashbrowns, which of course rules. You pretty much can’t make that combination of food not taste good. I just wish my burrito was shaped more like man’s forearm and less like a softball. Totally amazing food though.

Who? JOE MA MA:

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Personally, I never order scrambles because out of anything that I can make at home that’s probably the easiest thing to cook. But with a name that stupid you kinda have to try it. It normally comes with ground beef but my assistant substituted bacon instead, and they put a TON of bacon in it. I mean at least 10 strips were in this fucker. It was actually too much probably. The eggs were cooked well, not overdone, just limp enough to not arouse suspicion of arousal. The country potatoes were undercooked in the cube centers, and their outside was not quite crisped to perfection, which amounts to a pretty shitty potato side. Their seasoning was quite tasty though. The toast was pretty standard.

Although the Joe Ma Ma didn’t blow me out of the water, its spirit of over-portioness warmed my heart, and although my Punisher Burrito was merely a pint-sized pipsqueak, its character was endearing nonetheless. So overall, I’m giving Lumpy’s Fucking Diner two dicks up, even though I doubt Lumpy’s needs more fuel for their feeling of superiority:

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 Smorgasbord of Smug Ass Bros. 

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