Recently I hopped on the Amtrak for a very important business meeting in Ventura, CA. I thought maybe taking the public transport would be nice and allow me time to do my reports and compute my graphs and stuff. Unfortunately, Amtrak is a very antithesis of swift expedient travel, and in hindsight I probably could have crawled through a trench under enemy gunfire with my guts spilling out and got there faster than had I took that train. And I’d sooner cut my dick off than pay their Nazi Occult prices for the shit food in the Cafe Car ($7 for a 12oz of Sierra Nevada ‘Regional Craft’ Pale Ale…makes me want to be alcohol celibate just thinking about it). However, there was one important take away from the experience: my body fell into feasting dormancy. And when I got off the train, I re-awakened, and feast mode was doubly powerful. Foodhole needed cramming.
‘Excuse my good sir, my name is Mr. Foodhole, do you know where I can cram myself?’
Ventura being a beach town with a plethora of bros, it seems challenging to find a place that isn’t beach bro oriented. I mean, look at this place:
Brophy Fucking Bros: Upping The Bro Game
For real though, if you don’t want to eat expensive fish tacos you really get the shit end of the dick in this town. However, fortune smiled its greasy face on me with a blessing of meats in the form of Marshall’s Bodacious BBQ:
Some other place called ‘Just BBQ’ was also nearby, but I wanted that bodacious shit.
It’s pretty cool that they serve Bodacious BBQ even though it’s widely known most people prefer Bodacious Grilled Lobster:
And so I headed out to Marshall’s:
Fun fact: when riding a clown bike like I was, you could be Leonardo Di’Caprio with a twenty inch dick and still no girl will think you are cool.
They actually smoke all the meats right outside the front door, so before entering the establishment, I chatted it up with the Meat Smoker Boy:
He was pretty stoked about meat. Look at that smile of his. With that attitude he’ll be a Meat Smoker Big Man in no time, just like Old Man Marshall himself:
If I had the same job since I was a sixteen, I’d think I was a fucking loser, not ‘successful’, but hey, different strokes for different folks.
Looking at the menu, I decided after being sedentary for what seemed like an eon on the train, it was time to exercise some muscles, so the Bruce’s Body Builders Burrito was looking pretty appetizing:
Bruce’s Body Builders: Includes 1/2 pound tri-tip and cheese only.
Apparently, you can make any burrito Supreme for a nominal fee and add a bunch of shit to it, but I wanted to espouse the bare bones, no-frills ideology of the Body Building Burrito. The last time I tried to gain muscle by eating it didn’t really work out for me, so I wanted to give it another chance. Everyone knows that to really get ripped you gotta hydrate, so I started out with a beverage:
The server boy asked me if I wanted a ‘glass’ and he gave me this. And here I thought you were only supposed to drink beer out of soda cups when driving on the freeway….
Before I knew it my first course had arrived!
Wait for it…..
Ahhhh yeahh baby
As you can see/hardly decipher from the picture above, there was a.) a shitload of cheese and b.) a shitload of meats. The cheese was nice and melted, although I have a strong suspicion that it was a pre-shredded Kraft cheese from a bag. Still good for the muscles though I guess. The meat was soft and supple, giving way to the gnashing of my teeth easily. Did not bear the mark of a slow smoking process much though. No real smoke flavor to speak of. On the whole, totally serviceable for getting full, just will get no where near satisfying a BBQ craving. It actually seemed like some stoner thought it would be rad to smoke a bunch of meat and make a burrito with some Kraft cheese, but then he just lost patience and decided to throw it in the tortilla once the meat was warmed up. My muscles didn’t feel any bigger after eating it either, unless you count the giant piece of shit that was growing inside me as a muscle. There was evidence of lots of muscle building juices aka greaze inside the burrito though:
Grease squirts hell yeah
After finishing the burrito, I was still hungry, and I decided to order more food quick lest I make myself sick from hunger:
So I got a Pulled Pork Sandwich, in an effort to taste some smokey goodness:
You can get your sandwich on a regular roll or a garlic bread roll, and I got the garlic bread roll of course. The meat was even more soft and supple this time around, and it was covered in some good sauce. I’m no BBQ expert or anything, but it wasn’t very spicy or very tangy, just pretty standard sauce. There was a lot more smoke flavor this time, but still not much. When I took a bite into the meat zone you could see that the meats hadn’t yet reached full flavor saturation like you see sometimes with good pulled pork where that shit is just glistening. My slaw served as a hearty chaser of fiber for my meat infested colon.
On the whole, I was pretty nonplussed with my food. It was good yes, and I did eat it all of my food before leaving the restaurant, but it just didn’t have that Southern charm to it. Even city boy Stallone wouldn’t approve: