It’s that time again for another post, and you know what that means. I done gone got myself all puckered up and hungered up for a Big Boy bodily engorgement of food! When in this state many establishments will simply refuse service to Big Boys and only serve Little Men and Child, for fear of the wrath and soiled napkins that will undoubtedly result. Sadly our society, despite having made huge advancements in the past 50 years in civil rights, still has HUGE steps to make. I’d like to think that someday Black Boys, Women Boys, Gay Boys, and Big Boys will be able to have common footing with the rest of society. Fortunately until that day we have Lumberjacks Restaurant, which is “Where The Big Boys Eat!”
Metal Meal Parking Lot
American meals in cabin-themed digs. COOL!
Indeed, this is quite the haven of free thought. I mean, read this credo and I DARE YOU not to have tears brought to your eyes:
It’s a veritable fucking declaration of Big Boy Rights. No tiny gourmet portions. Chocolate cakes that keep you awake all night. Fuck yes. Let’s take a look at the menu:
Axeman food. Sick.
Lock up your children the Axeman is hungry
Biscuits and Gravy:
‘Log Shoot Pot Roast’:
Usually I shoot logs after eating, but to each his own I say.
Oh, and their claim of ‘Famous Coconut Dipping Sauce’? I’ll just say this, if you’ve never heard mention of their coconut dipping sauce your are living in a cave dude. I mean seriously, there are like 5 people a year that come here JUST for the sauce.
They even have a sandwich for deranged sociopathic murderers:
When I sat down at this fine establishment, I noticed that nearly all of the other customers were either elderly or pretty obese, which is the mark of a good diner:
I ordered a coffee for starters:
Comes in this fat ass lumberjack mug. Made me so amped I wanted to destroy a forest!
After much deliberation, I decided upon the ‘Ultimate Hungry Jack Combo’. I’m immediately partial to any menu choice that has the word ‘Ultimate’ in it, and there is even an advertised price for splitting the meal, so you know that meal is gonna be fat. Plus the waitress may or may not have been a Lumber Babe, so I wanted to impress her with my eating prowess.
Here is what my food looked like when she brought it forth:
She brought this shit out and I was like ‘Damn, this is kind of a lot of food.’ And then she came back a minute later with another plate of French Toasts:
Big Boy or go home
If you zoom in on the French Toasts you can see they have they markings of an excellent battering, which is evident in the ‘Folds of the French Toast Flesh’ as chefs call it:
Toast also comes with supremely yellowed butter, which is how you know it’s been properly creamed:
My assistant got ‘Big John’s Biscuit’:
Those sausages look like burnt turtles.
My assistant ended up not wanting the sausages that were gifted to her by the Lumber Gods, so they were bequeefed (not bequeathed) unto me. I was a bit uneasy, as I already had this fat Meat Array going on:
Four bacon strips, four sausage links, and a half pound of ham. Greazze engaged.
But my conscience relented and I happily accepted additions to my Meat Array. However, when photographed closely, they gave off a nuclear fuzz glow, as if to say ‘Quit dicking around and eat me fool’:
Kinda reminded me of Toxie’s head:
Time to dig in:
It was a lot of food, but I ended up finishing the whole of what was brought to me. Upon the last bites of my Meat Array my sweat was getting really slippery and that’s how I know I was nearly full Greaze Immersion but I didn’t hesitate and I finished it all. I’m writing this about 7 hours later and I’m still not hungry yet so I guess it did its job well. The flavors of the dish were quite well-honed. Potatoes were crispy yet supple enough to sop the egg juizes. The meats were all pretty legit and didn’t have that rubbery nasty mouthfeel/taste that you get from shit meats like Sausage McMuffins and such. There was also a good balance between sweet and savory, as I tend to find that a lot of places give you too many flapjacks/waffles and not enough of the eggs/potatoes/meats. Clearly the many years of lumberjack feedback has paid off.
I came, I feasted, I conquered. I feel like I lived up to the ‘Legacy’ well:
When they were not working they were playing rough games, telling tall tales, and consuming large amounts of food to keep them going strong.
Rough games huh?
The game gets especially rough when that giant bush scratches your face like a grill cleaner.