Last month I traveled to Minneapolis to escape the great California weather and punish myself with crushing humidity and mosquito bites, and I’m finally getting off my fat ass to talk to you minions about it. As far as food goes, one may not first think of Minnesota when one contemplates feasts of cultural diversity, however, rest assured this barren ass wasteland bears the mark of many a culture’s tradition of eating a shit load. Where better to sample the local flavors than going to the Midtown Global Market!

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Instead of sending minorities to prisons like the rest of the country, Minneapolis sends its minorities to make food in prison-like marketplaces. 

Let’s take a look inside! They have ALL kinds of shit in here, including Hot Indians:

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 Indurrito- Sounds like a racial slur, only it makes me hungry

Pseudo Mexican paraphernalia:

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Swagg for Jesus Loving Bozos:

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Fun Fact: While photographing this hot mess of graphics the proprietor took my mockery for enthusiasm of his product and proceeded to bore me for 5 minutes with pseudo-Jesus bile. Also, don’t taste ‘The Fruit of Gospel Swagg’ . It tastes like shit. 

Food for Jesus Loving Bozos:

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Holy water is fucking cheap. 

When you are done praying and repenting for sodomy or whatever, you can totally Tweak out:

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They even have a brewery for the Whites inside:

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Beardos=check. Kombucha on tap=check. Yep, pretty White. 

Food for the Childs:

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Dirt cups rule. 

The real reason I came here to eat though was because I wanted some Somali food really bad. In the Bay Area it seems as if there are no places to eat if you want it, and although we have tons of Ethiopian food, Somali food is totally different. So I went to Safari Express, which is supposed to be some pretty legit Somali food:

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The dude working seemed to sense my lack of knowledge in their deep flavor pantheon, and allowed me to taste all of the different selections. He was super cool.

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I ended up getting the Chicken Fantastic, and the Safari Roasted Goat, which fucking RULED. So amazing. The Chicken Fantastic is kind of like a chicken salad/coleslaw kinda thing, and the Safari Roasted Goat is just meat and grilled veggies with an awesome sauce. Basically everything they serve is just covered in an amazing sauce with some really good meat. Even the side of rice you get is the same way. Actually, they give you a choice of a yellow rice and a red rice, and they are both awesome, but holy SHIT the red one rules. Like a dummy I forgot to take pictures of my meal, but I stole some from Yelp:

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Red rice on the bottom. Killer. 

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Top right is Chicken Fantastic. Drizzling, dripping, squirting. The chicken looks like the bottom of the pillow in your lap when you are thirteen at your buddy’s house watching Jenna Jameson bootlegs. 

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The chicken suqqar. I didn’t get this but you get the idea of how on point the dripping the juizes are. 

My associates got the Mango Curry Chicken and some Sambusas, which are basically Samosas with a whole bunch of spices and ground beef inside:

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Awesome.

Check out the Sambusa:

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Photographing the essence of meat is often times difficult due to what meat photographers call the M-Factor, but using some of the latest Meat Image Enhancement Software, I was able to render the meat into such lifelike detail that’s it’s almost like viewer is inside the meat. Buckle your seat belts, MEAT ZOOM:

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I guess they serve camel meat here too, on burgers and sticks:

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With its fried rat/piece of shit covered in cheese shit aesthetic, the Camel on a Stick would have been worth getting for the MEAT ZOOM value alone, but for only spending like eight bucks I was a totally stuffed slob, and I could handle not one more morsel of moist mess. Plus, it struck me as a bit gimmicky. Definitely something a White eats and goes to work the next day and tells all of their coworkers about, to their utter amazement.

So yeah, if you are in this neck of the woods definitely get some African grub and drink a bunch of beers. Solid feast zone.

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