As a man who takes his feasting seriously, I’m always looking for ways to push my boundaries and my caloric limits. I mean, think about how shitty it would be to be an old man sitting around a fireplace one night and thinking about all of the wasted years and wasted meals.
Iron Maiden has clearly thought about this too.
Feasting does have it’s drawbacks though, namely the amount of fat-fuckness that begins to permeate your body, so imagine my stoke when I learned of a restaurant that makes you buff just by eating there.
Don’t mind if I do!
If you guessed my level of stoke was fucking high, you’d be correct, especially since my glutes needed some renovation. It’s also located in beautiful historic Antioch, CA, so I really couldn’t think of any reason not to go to Muscle Maker Grill.
The menu here has all kinds of cool selections. Such as the Rocky Balboa Wrap:
The Yee-Ha!!! Wrap:
Try ordering this without feeling stupid. I dare you.
The ‘Premium Burger Signature Sandwich’:
I wish they made a wrap version of this so they could extend the name to ‘Premium Burger Signature Sandwich Health Wrap’
An array of ‘Power Pastas’:
For some reason the ‘Champion Pasta’ is listed under the ‘Lighter Sides’ and not under ‘Power Pasta’:
And an overwhelmingly underwhelming selection of Vegetarian Options:
Yes, this is the entire extent of vegetarian options. Not like I’m on a vegetarian soapbox or anything, but it just seems like if you don’t eat meat you really get the shit end of the stick here.
This seems like a good place to take your employees when you wanna get real power hungry and just Wolf On Wall Street the fuck out, or just regale your bros with tales of beer pong conquests. It’s also a good place to observe just how bummed a person can be on their job:
You can’t tell from the pic, but trust me, these 20 somethings are BUMMED on working at Muscle Maker Grill.
I ordered the ‘Godfather’, mostly because nothing on the menu looked really good, and this one looked especially gross, so it won by standing out:
‘Heyya Vinnie, why don’tya cook me up somethin’ real fuckin’ nasty back there uh?’
My favorite thing about this place is that everything is seemingly ‘low-fat’ and ‘low-carb’. It’s like they couldn’t decide which health trend would sell better so they decided to just put sawdust instead of calories in all of their food. Speaking of filler, they also have a lot of wall space here that they decided would be best decorated with pictures of food and buff dudes:
Tex-Mex Fajita Wrap Hulk-Out
I don’t hate the male body or anything, but I chose to sit next to the one chick on the wall:
On a more serious note, the atmosphere of this place is sort of like a gym in that nobody there, the patrons or the employees, really wanted to be there. That, coupled with the decor of a cellphone store left with nary a chill vibe to relax and feast.
I contemplated how much I hate gyms, and then I thought to myself, “Since I’m going to be getting so buff eating this meal, I better get some extra protein in me to further my muscle gains.” So I got a ‘Big Protein Shake’:
The shake was actually pretty good. I got the Chocolate Peanut Butter one. It wasn’t In N Out level good of shakes or anything, but I did end up slurping it all down before my meal even came. I didn’t Hulk Out unfortunately, but I think I did get a new vein in my tricep.
Arrival of Food:
Godfather in Reduced-Fat Greaze vision.
My assistant ordered the ‘Yee-ha! Wrap’:
Zoom into that bountiful garden harvest:
Usually when you get your food it looks worse than the picture on the menu. In this case, I think they looked about the same as what was depicted on the menu, which is even sadder. The broccoli was steamed well though, and the flavor did not offend. The grilled chicken breast could have been a bit more moist I suppose. The cheese tasted relatively bland, probably due to its being reduced-fat. Honestly though, I just didn’t really give a fuck about this thing. I didn’t really want to eat it especially bad, but I had just spent ten bucks on it so I figured I’d just eat it.
Mysterious reduced-fat glistenings.
I took a bite from my assistant’s Yee-Ha! Wrap and it was waaaayyy better than what I got, although by typical feasting standards it was still firmly seated in the short bus. The ‘zero carb signature sauce’ that it comes with was somewhat polarizing of a flavor. On one hand, it was cheesy and savory and creamy, but also super tangy and soured. Like some cheese flavored dental whitening gel mixed with breastmilk. It kept making me think of cowboys brushing their teeth with the zero carb signature sauce. Actually, I recommend trying it, just so you can experience it once.
So, to wrap things up, this place is a bummer. If you want to be healthy go outside and be active and then cook something at home. If eating a fat super burrito one out of 21 meals a week is too much ‘unhealth’ for you, then you suck and no matter how much Muscle Maker Grill you eat you won’t get buff.
Not even Ray L. from Yelp is down:
For real though, if this motherfucker isn’t down with Muscle Maker Grill then nobody is.