In the quest for a feast of utmost filling delight, one is usually drawn to restaurants that are, well, not quite upstanding. In fact, one must typically journey into the Netherealms Of The Dumpster People in order for a good feasting, due to the well known fact that the Dumpster People like to eat MASSIVE amounts of food for fucking cheap (as it should be.) These good people are usually at war with the Zaggots, who love eating expensive food that is served in small portions for some reason.
When in doubt for a feasting, ask your local Dumpster Person.
And after some sick advice, off I went:
Nestled between all of these cultural melting pots lies Americana.
Actually, truth be told, I found out about this place just by passing by and glimpsing at the sign. Americana? Pizza AND Taqueria? How can this not rule all and crush all poseurs? If you look at their Yelp, it looks like some poseurs have already been crushed:
“Pizza with a used band aid that was baked into our pizza!!!!!! Never ordering from here again!!!!!!!”
Perhaps they forgot to throw the super soaker in and put the band-aid in instead? Anyways, let’s take a look inside:
It’s really small inside, and with the exception of just a few weird pictures of chickens, the only real thing on the walls are their giant menus:
Italian side, obviously not the whole thing
Of course, being a Dumpster establishment, they have a gigantic menu where they leave seemingly no choice un-choosable. Chef’s Salmon? Why not? How about dropping $23 on a steak at this place? Who the fuck does that here? I can see dropping that kinda money with the wife and kids at Chili’s for a steak after the boss gave you a big boy promotion, but here? Maybe if you went over to Metro PCS next door to pay the bill on your burner phone and you realized you just saved a shit load of money for some reason?
Myself, I was unsure of what to order. Honestly everything sounded good. This picture of the “Baked Lasagna” looked like a true Summons to the Feast:
Sadly, dear readers, I must confess, even I was not willing to Conjure up such evil forces, at least not in this particular moment in the history of man. My assistant and I just started off with a slice of pizza and a refreshing juice drink:
They give you chips and salsa here, which is sweet, but they have the salsa in squirt bottles. Individually squirting each chip is kind of a hassle.
For me, the order really came down between the ‘Latino Quesadilla’ and the ‘Special Chicken Alfred Burrito’.
In the end, I ordered the ‘Special Chicken Alfredo Burrito’, in keeping with the spirit of the intermingling of Italian and Mexican cultures. All of these cultural crossroads, locked into a tortilla box, it’s like a lil’ Ellis Island in your hands.
After unveiling the foil, this little bitch was already bubbling with anticipation for a feaster. I sank my teeth in:
All kinds of yummy shit was coming to the forefront of my senses. White creams, chile goo’s, lettuces, and meats. Really, a cornucopia of sensation! Then I proceeded with a Blissful BloodShower:
In all honesty though, I was skeptical of Special Chicken Alfredo Burrito, but holy hell this bad boy was firing on all flavor cannons and I was left my hunger stoked and fingers full of white creams. I also got the Super Nachos Pollo:
As if I didn’t get enough of creams, this bitch comes out with a full slathering. It was very delicious though. Nice topping to chip ratio. My only complaint was that some of the chips on the bottom were hard to get to without getting goo’ed, but that’s when uneaten pizza comes in handy. Scoop that shit like a hawk scoops rodents:
Pizza/Nacho Flavor Apex
After this I became super sleepy and despite my trying to revive myself with beer never came quite all the way back to life. This is bound to happen when you get cocky and let your guard down as I so clearly did. So, as a final warning to all of you readers, if you come here, prep yourself lest you get crushed.