The other day, I shit you not, I was so hungry I was going to puke. So I took a lil’ trip to Vegas baby!

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Except unfortunately for you dear readers, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Actually, what happened in Vegas totally got blown out of my ass…but yeah, despite the aura of secrecy I can divulge this:

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These bozos were hogging the salsa bar so hard I thought they were actually going to pull up chairs and eat their food there.

Moving on, you dear readers know I’m a big fan of restaurants with a shitload of Z’s in their name and products, so today I bring you Boscoz Burgerz:

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Wholesome American appreciation of the letter Z. 

Glancing at their Yelp page, it appears they have changed their sign recently:

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Old Sign

Presumably due to a certain aesthetic that draws hard ass motherfuckers:

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‘Gimmie a milkshake bitch!’

It appears that is not the only thing that has changed here recently. Part of the reason why I was drawn here like a moth to a flame of Z’s is that the menu here is completely awes(z?)ome:

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Take a fucking look at those menu items! You got so many choices! Check it out:

Sisz Double Burger- Probably the most difficult thing you can pronounce.

DADZ CHICKEN SANDWICH

BENZ TRIPLE BURGER

MOMZ BUNLESS BURGER

INDECIPHERABLE SYMBOL STEAK SANDWICH

And let’s not forget the Chinese Chicken Salad!

So I made my Voyage of Feasting down there to behold this monolith of dinkyness in person and I got this:

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What the hell did they do to their menu? I was so confused, and a little disappointed. Among other things, DADZ CHICKEN SANDWICH got turned into plain ol’ Chicken Sandwich. And INDECIPHERABLE SYMBOL STEAK SANDWICH is totally removed from the menu. The real mystery though is what’s up with BENZ TRIPLE BURGER? You can tell he got crossed out, and then from his obscurity, has since been revealed:

By far the most bizarre though is what happened to Crinkle Cut Fries:

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Now you get ‘Cut Fries’. An important distinction to make because you know how frustrating it is when you order fries and they bring you an entire fried potato.

Being the Lustful Father that I am, I ordered the DADZ CHICKEN SANDWICH even though it’s just a Chicken Sandwich now. The young man at the counter seemed nonplussed at my secret menu knowledge and wrote down ‘Chicken Sandwich’ on his order ticket. My assistant got the Corn Dog. While I was waiting for the meal I hit the head:

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I have to admit, this is where I was like “Really? Really guys? How fucking mature? What if my kids were in here?” because if you look closely you can totally see the dog’s dick:

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No wonder he doesn’t drip on the seat. His dick is halfway down the drain pipe. 

I rinsed my mental palette of the filth, and I picked up my food at the counter:

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The food looked pretty mediocre, especially with the ketchup packets served with the fries. What’s up with the bootleg off-brand ketchup packets, seriously? I tried them out anyways and it was the most sour ketchup I’ve ever tasted, which was kinda good actually. The sandwich itself was satisfactory. It’s nothing I couldn’t whip up myself if I thawed a frozen chicken breast out in the microwave and threw that bad boy on a George Foreman. The lettuce looked a little tired. The fries were on par. Nothing I would take my family to if they were visiting though. My assistant got the corn dog:

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I guess they threw in some fries because he had to wait, but he was still nonplussed. Look into his steely gaze and try and tell me this dude gives a fuck about free fries:

Rodney Cotton poses for a photo on Monday July 6, 2015 at his home in Brooklyn after he won his court case after doctors made him impotent by failing to treat his 6 day erection. Photo by Kristy Leibowitz

So hard.

I polished off my DADZ meal, and I realized I needed some more calories, so I ordered this:

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Hell yeah. This monster is only $2 too. I would say with absolute certainty that you can’t come here without getting the soft serve. It just doesn’t feel right. Gotta freeze to push down the greeze is what I always say, but that’s enough of what I have to say, how about a Yelp review?

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My personal favorite part is “Quite overpriced. We even mentioned it was our first time.”

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