It comes as no surprise to you loyal readers that the author of these prose of feasting is not easily satiated by a mere Denny’s or IHOP or Marie Callendar’s . It’s like everyday I wake up I feel like a bear coming out of hibernation, and I’m eager to replenish all of the fat I’ve lost during my 7-8 hours of rest. Most breakfast places, however, do not cater to the needs of beasts, except of course for the venerable Black Bear Fucking Diner:     ls   Located in beautiful downtown historic Emeryville, it’s a perfect place to take the whole family. Speaking of family, remember that awesome scene in Grizzly where that bear paw slaps the shit out of that kid?

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Yeah, Black Bear Diner is full of wacky bear puns and general bear knick-knackery.

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They have an internet jukebox here for some reason. I was tempted to play some Eyehategod, but I didn’t want to get bear swiped like that child. 

The menu here is pretty badass too. Lots of options for those who wanna get super full, and also for those who wanna get super full and pretend they are being healthy by getting a healthy side with all of the garbage they are ordering. Take for example, the Volcano:

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It’s like, hey, asshole, you are ordering something called a fucking Volcano. Let that sink in for a second, and then ask yourself, “Is getting the 7-grain granola nut pancakes instead really gonna help me get to my long term fitness goals?” No matter what, all Volcanos gotta blow:

Other notable selections on the menu include:

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Fun Fact: You can’t order a Bruce’s Meat Lover’s Omelette without craving a man’s cock. It’s like the Cinnamon Challenge

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Both the GRIZZ! and the BIGFOOT Chicken Fried Steak & Eggs sound pretty tight. Actually, the visit previous to the one I’m blogging about here I got the BIGFOOT and it was badass. This time I got this:

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Yes, that’s right, I got the NEW!(!) Chicken & Waffle. Just read that description. Secret recipe? Sweet cream? Chicken tenders? Sign me up Sarge!

Andrew Maxim, 17, right, of Grand Rapids, signs enlistment papers with Army recruiter SSG John Maess, 27, left, in an Army recruiting station in Celebration Village Thursday afternoon. Enlistment rates in the armed forces are up, as soldiers decide the military looks better than a troubled economy. (Press Photo/Lance Wynn)

Yes, butter, syrup, Italian green beans, it’s all in the contract….

My friend ordered the Spaghetti and Meatballs, another item also boasting a secret recipe. I think it’s pretty safe to say that almost every meal at every restaurant in the world is a ‘secret recipe’ in that unless you’re David Chang or something no one really cares what your recipe is anyways. Spagett:

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MEAT ZOOM:

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Does a bear shit in the woods? Or your PLATE?!  

Basically, the menu advertised this:

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And you just got this:

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Fuck

Here’s mine:

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Good thing it came with an orange wedge and a piece of lettuce. I was worried it wouldn’t be healthy. 

It came with clam chowder too:

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Actually, I didn’t notice it said chicken TENDERS until after I got my food, so upon receiving my food, I thought for a second I got the Kid’s Menu version of what I ordered. I was kinda bummed, I mean, chicken tenders aren’t really supposed to be consumed after you’ve reached puberty, but at least there were no bones getting into the way of ripping into that sick sweet creamed waffle. And you know what, by the time I asked for some Honey Mustard sauce and got the maple syrup flowing into everything, it was actually pretty damn tasty.

Oh damn, I almost forgot to mention the hot sauces they have here, which come in 3 varieties:

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Oh, and the bears on the menu are always squirting their mouth juice everywhere:

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So in closing, I’d say, yes, this place rules. Mega portions keep the poseurs at bay, and allow the chefs here to hone in the secret recipes to perfection. Don’t take my word for it though, here’s a photo essay brought to you by some community Yelpers:

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Gravy Flag

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Possible Papa Burner?

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Rich and Dreamy and Cool and Creamy baby.

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One thought on “Black Bear Fucking Diner

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