One time when I was a kid I took a chili dog eating challenge at a place called The Corner Bar. I ate twelve hot dogs and they put my name on the wall of fame. My family was so proud of me, and that memory of earning my family’s respect really stuck with me.
Well, almost twenty years later my family basically has contented themselves with having a cynical stoner son, so I decided to surprise them and take another chili dog challenge. This time, not in Michigan, but in Livermore, CA. That’s right, I’m talking about Spanky’s Dog House.
Their logo is pretty cool too. It’s a hot dog with a cock ring:
Basically, the Atomic Chili Cheese Dog Challenge is this super spicy chili all over a big hot dog and if you eat in 15 minutes without having a drink of water then you win. Only something like 11 people have completed it. I knew I’d recapture my family’s respect once I joined the illustrious ranks of previous Atomic Challenge Winners, such as these dudes:
Young Sammy Hagar
“Atomic Cabo Wabo”
Spunky Local Youngster
Spanky’s also has a bunch of videos on their site of challengers getting “spanked”, or in non-bro terms, losing. My favorites are this girl (who actually completed the challenge):
Young, snarky, confident
Spirit Crushing Poo Poo Face
I like the part of the video where the manager gets all porn director with her and moves her hair out of her face for her:
Kinda getting an Atomic Boner looking at this
And the other really good one is where the Mormons get ruled:
Up the Snot-Nosed Punx
Anyway, I went inside and perused the menu. I was mighty hungry, and also uneasy about taking the challenge, so I started off with a regular chili dog and a beer.
The “El Spankeeto”
The chili dog was actually super good. I would totally come out here just to eat hot dogs and have no spicy hijinks. You can’t even pick this fat hog up with your hands without goo splashing all over you. My girlfriend got the worst hot dog:
The Californian. It has guacamole and pico de gallo, which doesn’t really sound that bad but she also got the veggie dog. It just doesn’t sit right with me.
Unfortunately the server girl wasn’t wearing an exploitative shirt as advertised on their website:
It was about 11am in the morning, and there wasn’t anybody there to watch me humiliate myself, so I decided now was my time to shit or get off the pot. Nothing to lose.
So I went in here:
Walls painted to camouflage ass squirts of the weak.
I told the server girl I’d like to take the challenge, and then she told me she has to call the manager down to the establishment to record a video of me as I do the challenge. So she called him and apparently he was out of town. Well, shit. I’m not sure what the big stink about getting verification for the completion of this challenge is all about. I mean, come on, this is about as mediocre as levels of prestige go. But alas, I told her ok, and next time that I’d call ahead. Soooo….
TO BE CONTINUED